“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday……….”

Wednesday 11th November, 2009
For some time now I have been aware that my internal guidance communicates to me through song lyrics. It would drive me near insane to hear certain lines from songs repeating over and over and over again in my head. Originally I had thought that at some point during the day I had heard the song and as a result, “I” kept singing it in my head. But I soon became aware that this was not the case as some songs that I heard the words to, although familiar, the lyrics were not really known to me. And as I “noticed” the words that I kept hearing, I became aware that that they always related to something taking place in my life. And upon reading somewhere that some people did in fact experience this also, I really started to listen.
This morning I awoke in sadness, completely unaware of the song playing in the background. I was aware of a certain “noise” but my sadness had my full attention.
Three days ago I was certain that my life had changed forever. I do not know how it happened but for the first time in my life I felt my life was “normal”. It was so easy being me. I felt light and unburdened, and so very much love. When I awoke the next day I was so happy. I had not had that feeling since being a child of waking up excited about the day ahead. Within a matter of hours I watched it all come tumbling down.
How it happened I do not know. Why did it happen? Because it had to, I see now.
That morning as I engaged in a “normal” conversation with my partner, something within me shifted and I watched helplessly as the joy I had felt so intensely just slipped away from me. All rationality left me and I could do nothing to speak up, speak my truth and stop what was taking place. It was like I was trapped inside my head, a prisoner, whilst someone else took over and destroyed my happiness. I was completely aware and it was very painful to witness.
Within hours I became psychotic and suicidal thoughts and the desperate urge to do self harm overwhelmed me. Nothing, could bring me back. In despair my parents were called and hospitalization seemed the only solution. I kept screaming for salvation but all I got was my own pain back everytime. I could see no way out.
Finally it was my dad who got through and pulled me from the depths of the abyss, when in his awareness of my sensitivities, my empathic nature, he sat me down and said “My daughter, this isn’t you.”
In an instant I was back. But it still hasn’t left me.
I cannot even begin to communicate what I have been feeling. That part of my life has seemed like another world away. It has nothing to do with my present reality. I believed that part of me was gone forever, healed. And I have spent the last three days trying to comprehend what took place and why.
I keep hoping that I will one day just wake up “happy” again, but upon awakening this morning to sadness again, that idea just seemed ever more elusive. And I don’t know whence it came but suddenly I understood why the events of three days ago took place. To help me attain a better sense of whom I am not, in order to know who I am.
On that day as I watched myself “lose it”, I was fully aware that what I was putting out there, was not what I was really feeling in my heart. In fact it had nothing to do with what was going on in me. But it was like “I” had no voice and as my thoughts took me deeper into despair,” I” had no control. I could not override them. To be completely honest it scared me. It still does when I think back on it. But this morning I suddenly understood. I understood that in order for me to heal, I needed to see the truth and that truth is that the “psychosis” or “mental illness” is not me. I know that because I was completely detached from it as it was happening.
And as I absorbed that realization I heard the following words ;
“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday,
When you change with every new day,
Still I’m going to miss you.”

As I focused on those words I started to cry and a deep sadness overwhelmed me. I am still feeling it as I read the last line, “Still I’m going to miss you.”
I just couldn’t get it at first. What is the significance here? So I lay there trying to understand when the fullness of what had taken place this morning hit me. In my recognizing that the “sickness” wasn’t me, I had let it go. A part that I thought was me had suddenly died. My sadness was grief and I realized that for the purpose of today’s lesson, I was Ruby Tuesday.

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothing's gained And nothing's lost

At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say

Catch your dreams before they slip away

Dying all the time Lose your dreams

And you will lose your mind.

Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday……

Goodbye…………….

On the rollercoaster again!!!

Tuesday 10th November, 2009
Confusion reigns supreme at the moment. The truth can only set you free if you embrace that truth as your own. The moment you question it, you are once again imprisoned.
Accepting that I am an empath has been a struggle.
First I questioned God’s place in all of this. If this is not “on purpose” then it has no place in my life. For days I questioned this until I realized that His creations are perfect. He does not make mistakes. I am His creation and He created me as I am. So to deny this is in effect to deny myself. Ever so slowly I am absorbing this as my truth.
Then came the painful part, understanding this, in relation to my life experience thus far.
I had until that point made “some” sense of it all or had at least “talked” myself into an understanding of why I had been the way I was. But I still saw myself as a victim to my depression in that I still could not predict when things could turn bad. And once they did all I could do was brace myself for the ride until it was over.
Now, viewing my life through new eyes, I am slowly letting go of so much guilt that I have carried for so long.
At this point it is difficult to write about.
I have glimpsed moments of true clarity which overwhelmed me. And I have had moments of utter confusion and despair where I feared I would end up back in hospital.
It is slow going at present but I am moving forward and that is all that matters here.
I think I have to stop looking for validation and acceptance of who I am in the eyes of others and really start to search deep within me. I keep hearing the “soft inner voice” guiding me gently to turn inwards and stop looking outside for the answers I seek.

And the truth shall set you free……….

Tuesday 2nd November, 2009
This has not been an easy day to endure. Yesterday I felt on the verge of a new beginning. Today I feel stuck. Sickness and anxiety have dominated my state of “being” today and it has taken me practically all day to realize why. I am afraid.
I have pleaded and begged God to reveal to me the truth of who I am. Now I know , I am afraid to tell.
In my despair in the last couple of days as my world started to disintegrate around me, the need to understand grew ever greater. In fact it was reaching a critical state. I reached a point where I could not be around people anymore, hence my relationship reaching the point that it did. I could not tolerate the sound of the constantly ringing phone, the sound of voices. In short I could not tolerate “anything” that invaded my personal space. I felt overloaded, like one more word entering my brain would make it snap and I feared I would not be able to come back from that.
I had reached my limit.
At the same time I was aware of how it was hurting those I love, yet there was nothing I could do. I instinctively “knew” that if I didn’t withdraw from the world for a while, I would not make it.
It feels like those days passed in a constant state of prayer. Praying for help. Praying for answers. Praying for a way to “live” in this world.
And my answer came………..
But, it was not what I was expecting.
I cannot recall how this came about, but somehow I made my way to a website called mysilentecho.com and before me on the screen, this is what I read,


(Please note: The following extracts were reprinted without the permission or prior knowledge of mysilentecho।com. My intent in using direct quotes was because they were Jad Alexander’s words and ideas, and I did not want to deceive and try and make them my own. My apologies if I have offended anyone by doing so.)

“What is an Empath? An Empath is an intuitive personality type, usually hypersensitive, especially to the emotions and conditions of other people. Empaths are also prone to extrasensory perception and strong intuitive reactions. Welcome to the Book of Storms Series Online”.

Curious I start to explore the site although I know I am resiting the fullness of what I am reading because I know that “empath” is another word for psychic, and that is not how I see myself. Fortunately, the part of me that isn’t resisting overpowers my reluctance, and as I read I discover that the site owner, Jad Alexander is also an empath. Not only is he an empath, but he has a degree in Psychology specializing in mental health counseling. The further I read the more it resonates within me as truth. And then I come across this,

“Many Empaths suffer from anxiety due to an overload of incoming stimuli and intuitive information. Some suffer from depression due to being overwhelmed with all the "storms" going on inside. It is not uncommon for an Empath to tell me that he or she has been diagnosed as "bipolar/manic-depressive." Now, that does not mean that if you were diagnosed as bipolar that you are automatically an Empath - it just means there is a possibility that we are quick to put medical labels on things without fully investigating them.
The interesting questions that arise are: Are Empaths more susceptible to mental illness? OR Is the mental illness/distress the result of being an unbonded Empath? Which comes first? This research still goes on. I have met plenty of well adjusted Empaths - yet will still find that they seek some sort of comfort somewhere, either in mild medication or counseling, something to soothe those internal storms” (click here for the complete article “What is an Empath” by Jad Alexander on mysilentecho.com)

In that moment I knew that resisting further was futile, I had to know more. So I commence the coursework with the intent of understanding “this” and also join the Yahoo Empath group in order to share my experiences with others who are like me.
That evening the “fullness” of it hit so hard my reality seemed surreal, I could not feel the ground beneath my feet. In a flash, I saw my whole lifetime with depression, and saw it wasn’t mine. All the guilt I have carried for hurting people for the way that I am. A whole lifetime spent feeling inadequate and incompetent. (I knew I was not the only one in the world with problems, yet everyone else still seemed capable of living life. They could hold on to jobs, have friendships and relationships, have a social life, have a family. All the things that I couldn’t do, or was afraid to do because of how I was.) I felt different, an outcast. Not for this world.
And in that instant I saw the truth. I was not mentally ill. I was not crazy. I was just being Monica. I just didn’t know how to deal with who I was.
There, I said it!

I had the most curious dream……………

Monday 2nd November, 2009

Today I feel a bit like Alice as I nervously step through the looking glass, leaving behind what was once my reality, and embrace a whole new way of being.
When I commenced this journey eight years ago, I had no idea where it would lead me. All I knew at the time was that I could not stay where I was. I had tried all the conventional methods as well as the not so conventional, and I was still stuck in my despair and no way nearer to the exit. So instinctively I knew that if I wanted to get “better” and be able to function in this world like everyone else around me, I would have to do this myself.
So I armed myself with knowledge. I knew that my mind was running its own automated program because all the methods I tried in order to take back control, failed. Medication only made it easier to live with but did not “fix” the problem. I realized then that my starting point had to be knowledge of how the brain works, how the programs are put in place so to speak. So I commenced a psychology degree and did just that. The first step in “knowing myself”.
With this new understanding of how we process the world, I started to slowly pick my life apart. It took no effort in finding issues that needed addressing as when you make this commitment to heal, they tend to surface on their own. But what to do with all this information that was overwhelming me? Because simply noticing the problems wasn’t fixing them.
It was then that some courageous and inspiring people such as, Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, and Wayne Dyer, entered my life through their teachings.
Through their knowledge and experience I learnt to really look at my life in an honest ego-less way, even to the point of giving my game plan away in situations where I realized that I was “reacting “ and not been authentic. I learnt about “patterns”, I learnt how environment and DNA impact on your ability to process the world, I learnt that all it took to reach some kind of understanding and somewhat heal a situation was to change your mind about it. I was tired of the games. I should re-word that, I was tired of the mask. I just wanted to KNOW who I was beneath all the pain because I knew that the pain was not me.
At that very moment, “A Course in Miracles” enters my life.
Thank you God!!!!!!!!
It entered my life at the exact point when I needed it to. (You can always count on Divine timing. It never lets you down!) I was stuck again. Learning all these things about myself made me not like myself very much. I was aware of the program that was running my life, but was no where nearer to overriding it. Awareness was hurting me. To be aware of what you are doing, to see that it hurts you and others and “feel” powerless to stop it is very disheartening.
It was not an easy book to read. When you have a mind like mine that does not know the meaning of “quiet”, it makes it very hard to maintain your focus and though it took me a long time, I made my way through the text and when I reached the end, I realized I had not retained much of what I had read at all. As I commenced reading the introduction to the workbook, I was not really sure whether there was any point as I felt i would have to start over in order to benefit from the teachings. With this in mind I continued reading and as I commenced paragraph 9, this is what I read,
“Remember only this: you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy……Nothing more than this is required”
So in faith, I proceeded all the while despairing because I was nowhere nearer to being happy and the further into the teachings I got, the harder it became for me to be around people. It seemed that the only way I could love them was from afar. My despair mounted as I realized that the path I was on was leading me in the opposite direction to where the teachings were intended to take me.
The inner turmoil escalated yet the teachings afforded me peace in that no matter what I had to face on any given day, inevitably the teaching for the day equipped me with the capacity to not only confront it, but see the truth in it. I also started to notice changes in my thought patterns that took no effort to implement on my part. My perception started to shift.
But still I had no idea where exactly I belonged in a world populated by humans that I found it difficult to be around. I loved them. Just couldn’t be around them. I felt so ashamed and such a hypocrite .And when those feelings overwhelmed me and brought on episodes of depression, I fought hard not to lose my way। I coped by transmuting the negative energy into a positive one। I turned my negative thoughts into prayer. Instead of holding onto them, dwelling on them and convincing myself that my life was a waste of time, I handed them over and asked to be shown the truth. This is what is referred to as the “Atonement” in A Course in Miracles.

And now I wait…and trust!!!
Trust is a hard concept to grab a firm hold of, particularly in the last couple of weeks as I have watched my life seemingly fall apart. In truth it is only beginning to come together as what seemed to me to be my life falling apart, I recognize as a letting go of that which no longer serves me. It is a painful process but absolutely necessary for how can I possibly find “me”, when I have defined myself by all these things in my life that are not me?
In terms of my relationship I cannot say for certain. On some level I know that “letting go” is not what is needed here. Change is. Whether we can implement those changes whilst remaining true to ourselves will be what decides the outcome. I did not undertake this journey alone and although I become quite self-absorbed as I try to understand myself, I never lose sight of this fact.
And as I read over what I have written, a summary of my healing thus far, it serves a cathartic purpose and I feel a certain release that may at some point develop into tears. I feel the tension building as I write. To see it like this as a whole, I sense a certain closure that I do not fully understand right at this moment.
I see now that it was necessary for me to go through the pain of realizing who I was NOT, in order to uncover the truth of who I AM……………..