I had the most curious dream……………

Monday 2nd November, 2009

Today I feel a bit like Alice as I nervously step through the looking glass, leaving behind what was once my reality, and embrace a whole new way of being.
When I commenced this journey eight years ago, I had no idea where it would lead me. All I knew at the time was that I could not stay where I was. I had tried all the conventional methods as well as the not so conventional, and I was still stuck in my despair and no way nearer to the exit. So instinctively I knew that if I wanted to get “better” and be able to function in this world like everyone else around me, I would have to do this myself.
So I armed myself with knowledge. I knew that my mind was running its own automated program because all the methods I tried in order to take back control, failed. Medication only made it easier to live with but did not “fix” the problem. I realized then that my starting point had to be knowledge of how the brain works, how the programs are put in place so to speak. So I commenced a psychology degree and did just that. The first step in “knowing myself”.
With this new understanding of how we process the world, I started to slowly pick my life apart. It took no effort in finding issues that needed addressing as when you make this commitment to heal, they tend to surface on their own. But what to do with all this information that was overwhelming me? Because simply noticing the problems wasn’t fixing them.
It was then that some courageous and inspiring people such as, Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, and Wayne Dyer, entered my life through their teachings.
Through their knowledge and experience I learnt to really look at my life in an honest ego-less way, even to the point of giving my game plan away in situations where I realized that I was “reacting “ and not been authentic. I learnt about “patterns”, I learnt how environment and DNA impact on your ability to process the world, I learnt that all it took to reach some kind of understanding and somewhat heal a situation was to change your mind about it. I was tired of the games. I should re-word that, I was tired of the mask. I just wanted to KNOW who I was beneath all the pain because I knew that the pain was not me.
At that very moment, “A Course in Miracles” enters my life.
Thank you God!!!!!!!!
It entered my life at the exact point when I needed it to. (You can always count on Divine timing. It never lets you down!) I was stuck again. Learning all these things about myself made me not like myself very much. I was aware of the program that was running my life, but was no where nearer to overriding it. Awareness was hurting me. To be aware of what you are doing, to see that it hurts you and others and “feel” powerless to stop it is very disheartening.
It was not an easy book to read. When you have a mind like mine that does not know the meaning of “quiet”, it makes it very hard to maintain your focus and though it took me a long time, I made my way through the text and when I reached the end, I realized I had not retained much of what I had read at all. As I commenced reading the introduction to the workbook, I was not really sure whether there was any point as I felt i would have to start over in order to benefit from the teachings. With this in mind I continued reading and as I commenced paragraph 9, this is what I read,
“Remember only this: you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy……Nothing more than this is required”
So in faith, I proceeded all the while despairing because I was nowhere nearer to being happy and the further into the teachings I got, the harder it became for me to be around people. It seemed that the only way I could love them was from afar. My despair mounted as I realized that the path I was on was leading me in the opposite direction to where the teachings were intended to take me.
The inner turmoil escalated yet the teachings afforded me peace in that no matter what I had to face on any given day, inevitably the teaching for the day equipped me with the capacity to not only confront it, but see the truth in it. I also started to notice changes in my thought patterns that took no effort to implement on my part. My perception started to shift.
But still I had no idea where exactly I belonged in a world populated by humans that I found it difficult to be around. I loved them. Just couldn’t be around them. I felt so ashamed and such a hypocrite .And when those feelings overwhelmed me and brought on episodes of depression, I fought hard not to lose my way। I coped by transmuting the negative energy into a positive one। I turned my negative thoughts into prayer. Instead of holding onto them, dwelling on them and convincing myself that my life was a waste of time, I handed them over and asked to be shown the truth. This is what is referred to as the “Atonement” in A Course in Miracles.

And now I wait…and trust!!!
Trust is a hard concept to grab a firm hold of, particularly in the last couple of weeks as I have watched my life seemingly fall apart. In truth it is only beginning to come together as what seemed to me to be my life falling apart, I recognize as a letting go of that which no longer serves me. It is a painful process but absolutely necessary for how can I possibly find “me”, when I have defined myself by all these things in my life that are not me?
In terms of my relationship I cannot say for certain. On some level I know that “letting go” is not what is needed here. Change is. Whether we can implement those changes whilst remaining true to ourselves will be what decides the outcome. I did not undertake this journey alone and although I become quite self-absorbed as I try to understand myself, I never lose sight of this fact.
And as I read over what I have written, a summary of my healing thus far, it serves a cathartic purpose and I feel a certain release that may at some point develop into tears. I feel the tension building as I write. To see it like this as a whole, I sense a certain closure that I do not fully understand right at this moment.
I see now that it was necessary for me to go through the pain of realizing who I was NOT, in order to uncover the truth of who I AM……………..

A time to cry…

Sunday 1st November, 2009
As the heavens opened up this morning, so did a floodgate of emotion that sprung forth from wherever that place is inside of me that stores every unshed tear I have suppressed. It has abated for now but I know there is so much more to come. And I welcome it, for I know that this is part of healing. It heals my mind, it heals my body and it heals my Spirit. No part of me is unaffected by what is going on.
The anger that served as a barrier to communication has transformed into compassion. I doubt this would have happened if I had not released some of the internal pressure which was manifesting as anger in my life. Those inexplicable tears were the means through which this was achieved. It has taken me 43 years to learn that it is okay, no, necessary to cry.
As the anger that clouded my vision gave way to clear sight, I saw that for weeks now I had been sharing my life with a stranger because the person I was seeing was not the man I am in love with. In actual fact he is still the same, I just wasn’t seeing him. All I saw was the projection that resulted from my unresolved anger. Anger that he actually had nothing to do with. And when I finally did see him today, all I felt was his pain.
This understanding does not bring with it the peace that I was hoping for, in that I see that it has come at the cost of hurting someone I truly adore. Having decided to have a few days apart to just “be” and detox from each other a bit, I do find some comfort in knowing that it has served the same purpose in his life as it has in mine, it has given him the opportunity to heal.

Taking the first step……………

Wednesday, 28th October 2009
Okay। This is not going to be easy but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the time has come to move through the pain.

The morning started easily enough, on the surface at least, as I have become very aware since starting this journal that I am very, very good at deceiving myself!
When I read over the events of the last few days I see that it doesn’t even begin to touch on what was really going on। The truth of the matter is that I was only willing to look at the effects at the time. I was not yet ready to deal with the cause.

But today, that unwillingness on my part, has threatened to bring my world undone। So face it I must.

I had to walk away from this as I am finding it so hard to begin. Why?????????? I know why. Because what I need to write about involves others and this is no longer my own private journal. I dislike gossip intensely .So why write it then I must ask myself? The truth? Because I must.
I have witnessed some changes that can only be deemed as miraculous in my thinking. I have gone from someone that could not bear the pain of living in this world a second longer to someone who is committed to doing whatever it takes to eliminate the suffering of others. I lived my life in total denial , or perhaps it was just fear, of a wrathful punishing God only to find myself here, grateful for the life I have been given and desperate to know Him as my unshakeable faith draws me closer to him, and in turn myself, with every breath. That is why I need to share this.
I have found hope, faith and I have glimpsed peace and if by some beautiful chance, I am able to help others achieve the same for themselves, then it is worth every bit of discomfort I go through as I face my truth via a public platform। She says nervously……………………

So as I sit here trying to see what really happened that made me lose my way I realize that what happened is that Zarathustra decided to come down off the mountain!
When I made the commitment to heal my life 8 years ago, it was the mystical path of “know thyself” that I chose. To be honest I don’t remember choosing, it was just the only path for me. And as I devoured spiritual text after spiritual text, I gradually withdrew more and more from the “outer” world and became reclusive preferring the company of animals to that of humans. With animals “being” was so easy, with humans I was finding it very hard. Painfully hard. It hurt to see the way people treated both themselves and each other. So for a long time I had no contact with people , except for family, unless I had to leave the house to buy groceries.
I don’t know if it was fear or not that influenced that decision, but I do know that it was a necessary retreat for in that time “A Course in Miracles” came into my life and the healing commenced in earnest। I took my time working through the course, as I was well aware that some areas needed special attention, but within a few months of completing it, the changes started to reveal themselves through changes in my thinking patterns.

Have to try so hard to not go off on a tangent here as I see that my mind is trying to lead me away from what I must do.
When I withdrew I severed ALL connections to my past। I relocated and had no contact with anyone for 7 or 8 years. Then face book came into my life……॥suddenly I had a hectic social life just keeping up with all the wonderful emails I was receiving and so many wounds from the past were able to heal. It was beautiful and I was given so many opportunities to see that how we perceive things, isn’t always how they actually are and I was somehow, through the recollections of these friends, able to regain a sense of self. So very grateful.

As wonderful a time as this was, those wounds that needed to be healed, also needed to be faced and along with the memories of the past came the pain। In the midst of all this pain, I find a very dear friend whom I have not seen for over 23 years and we decide to catch up. I was terrified!! It was one thing staying in touch via the internet, but face to face???? I can’t do this. I have to do this. I want to do this. What if we have nothing in common anymore? And on and on, until catch up we did.

I felt like a little kid the morning we were to meet, all nervous excitement। The minute I saw her face my heart exploded with a love I had not felt for a long time, and all I saw was the 16 year old girl that I loved like a little sister all those years ago.

Within a matter of weeks this friendship became very much part of my life, if not my whole life। My friend’s needs suddenly overtook my own and despite my annoyance at this, I was also aware of the fact that in truth, I have no idea what’s right for me. How could I when I don’t even know who I am? With this in mind, I stepped outside my comfort zone in complete faith that perhaps this was God’s plan after all. Either way, I decided to trust and just surrender to the process. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t complain whilst doing so I might add.

All along I could clearly see that we were two very different people and despite witnessing things that to me were painful to witness, my love for her never waivered। I got mad, but I got over it quickly because I was so happy to have her back in my life. It made me so angry at myself afterwards to not have spoken my truth but in all honesty, I felt what I had to say would only be perceived as a judgment and that is never my intent. But then, neither is hurting myself, yet that is exactly what I did by placing someone else’s needs above my own.

One day I found myself in a situation that to me was unbearable to witness। Reliving the events of that morning on my way home whilst sharing the story with my partner, I start to cry। The cry turned to sobs, and all I could say was, ‘This just hurts so much”। As I kept recalling details the pain just got stronger and my partner witnessing this turns to me and says, “You are not going back there are you?” When I reply that I am, this wise, beautiful being that shares my life turns to me and says, ‘But then you are going against everything you stand for” and at that moment, I was back। Albeit temporarily।
His truth just cut through to the core of me and rocketed me into the present moment where all I could manage to say was “You are right”.

I have not seen her since that day and it has been a painful and difficult decision to make। I feel no anger, only deep sadness। There is no blame, nothing. How could I blame her for being who she is? And I can only be who I am. At this point I realize that there is nothing to forgive. It was I who refused to see the woman before me because I was still holding on to the girl who was my friend. I based a friendship upon an illusion and I believe that the only reason I refused to speak up sooner was because I feared my illusion being shattered.
I also see that far from losing myself as I had first thought, this relationship blessed my life by helping me have a clearer understanding of who I really am.
And for today that is all the truth I can handle…………….