And the truth shall set you free……….

Tuesday 2nd November, 2009
This has not been an easy day to endure. Yesterday I felt on the verge of a new beginning. Today I feel stuck. Sickness and anxiety have dominated my state of “being” today and it has taken me practically all day to realize why. I am afraid.
I have pleaded and begged God to reveal to me the truth of who I am. Now I know , I am afraid to tell.
In my despair in the last couple of days as my world started to disintegrate around me, the need to understand grew ever greater. In fact it was reaching a critical state. I reached a point where I could not be around people anymore, hence my relationship reaching the point that it did. I could not tolerate the sound of the constantly ringing phone, the sound of voices. In short I could not tolerate “anything” that invaded my personal space. I felt overloaded, like one more word entering my brain would make it snap and I feared I would not be able to come back from that.
I had reached my limit.
At the same time I was aware of how it was hurting those I love, yet there was nothing I could do. I instinctively “knew” that if I didn’t withdraw from the world for a while, I would not make it.
It feels like those days passed in a constant state of prayer. Praying for help. Praying for answers. Praying for a way to “live” in this world.
And my answer came………..
But, it was not what I was expecting.
I cannot recall how this came about, but somehow I made my way to a website called mysilentecho.com and before me on the screen, this is what I read,


(Please note: The following extracts were reprinted without the permission or prior knowledge of mysilentecho।com. My intent in using direct quotes was because they were Jad Alexander’s words and ideas, and I did not want to deceive and try and make them my own. My apologies if I have offended anyone by doing so.)

“What is an Empath? An Empath is an intuitive personality type, usually hypersensitive, especially to the emotions and conditions of other people. Empaths are also prone to extrasensory perception and strong intuitive reactions. Welcome to the Book of Storms Series Online”.

Curious I start to explore the site although I know I am resiting the fullness of what I am reading because I know that “empath” is another word for psychic, and that is not how I see myself. Fortunately, the part of me that isn’t resisting overpowers my reluctance, and as I read I discover that the site owner, Jad Alexander is also an empath. Not only is he an empath, but he has a degree in Psychology specializing in mental health counseling. The further I read the more it resonates within me as truth. And then I come across this,

“Many Empaths suffer from anxiety due to an overload of incoming stimuli and intuitive information. Some suffer from depression due to being overwhelmed with all the "storms" going on inside. It is not uncommon for an Empath to tell me that he or she has been diagnosed as "bipolar/manic-depressive." Now, that does not mean that if you were diagnosed as bipolar that you are automatically an Empath - it just means there is a possibility that we are quick to put medical labels on things without fully investigating them.
The interesting questions that arise are: Are Empaths more susceptible to mental illness? OR Is the mental illness/distress the result of being an unbonded Empath? Which comes first? This research still goes on. I have met plenty of well adjusted Empaths - yet will still find that they seek some sort of comfort somewhere, either in mild medication or counseling, something to soothe those internal storms” (click here for the complete article “What is an Empath” by Jad Alexander on mysilentecho.com)

In that moment I knew that resisting further was futile, I had to know more. So I commence the coursework with the intent of understanding “this” and also join the Yahoo Empath group in order to share my experiences with others who are like me.
That evening the “fullness” of it hit so hard my reality seemed surreal, I could not feel the ground beneath my feet. In a flash, I saw my whole lifetime with depression, and saw it wasn’t mine. All the guilt I have carried for hurting people for the way that I am. A whole lifetime spent feeling inadequate and incompetent. (I knew I was not the only one in the world with problems, yet everyone else still seemed capable of living life. They could hold on to jobs, have friendships and relationships, have a social life, have a family. All the things that I couldn’t do, or was afraid to do because of how I was.) I felt different, an outcast. Not for this world.
And in that instant I saw the truth. I was not mentally ill. I was not crazy. I was just being Monica. I just didn’t know how to deal with who I was.
There, I said it!