Sunday 1st November, 2009
As the heavens opened up this morning, so did a floodgate of emotion that sprung forth from wherever that place is inside of me that stores every unshed tear I have suppressed. It has abated for now but I know there is so much more to come. And I welcome it, for I know that this is part of healing. It heals my mind, it heals my body and it heals my Spirit. No part of me is unaffected by what is going on.
The anger that served as a barrier to communication has transformed into compassion. I doubt this would have happened if I had not released some of the internal pressure which was manifesting as anger in my life. Those inexplicable tears were the means through which this was achieved. It has taken me 43 years to learn that it is okay, no, necessary to cry.
As the anger that clouded my vision gave way to clear sight, I saw that for weeks now I had been sharing my life with a stranger because the person I was seeing was not the man I am in love with. In actual fact he is still the same, I just wasn’t seeing him. All I saw was the projection that resulted from my unresolved anger. Anger that he actually had nothing to do with. And when I finally did see him today, all I felt was his pain.
This understanding does not bring with it the peace that I was hoping for, in that I see that it has come at the cost of hurting someone I truly adore. Having decided to have a few days apart to just “be” and detox from each other a bit, I do find some comfort in knowing that it has served the same purpose in his life as it has in mine, it has given him the opportunity to heal.
October 31, 2009
“Now it is given you to heal…and make what will be now”.
A Course in Miracles CH13: X: 8
Saturday 31st October,2009
11:04pm
Unable to sleep as my mind won’t stop so I am writing in the hopes that emptying it a little, will bring some peace.
All day I have gone over and over my current situation. What surprises me at present is my inner strength and resolve. In truth I do not recognize this woman. But as my wise acupuncturist said to me, integration is essential. I must recognize and accept this “other” person as me. I must recognize that her accomplishments are my own.
So hard feeling integrated though, when your reality seems shattered. So much pain that keeps spilling forth as inexplicable tears that stop and start at will. If only words were as forthcoming. They are just so hard to find. Perhaps I should not have referred to them as a “pointless waste of time”.
My pain stems from the fact that I cannot believe that something so sacred and pure, at present causes only pain. And I keep searching for a way out and I have trouble finding one. But still I search.
And now I realize why it is that a solution cannot be found in the present. Because the problem lies in the past!!!!
As I was so clearly shown the other day, my issue stems from my dad, and my partner’s from his mum। They are issues that have surfaced time and time again in our past individual relationships and they have always meant the death of these relationships. They keep repeating themselves in our lives to give us the opportunity to heal. When it surfaces in the present we react to it in the present, assuming that the person, who triggered the reaction, is obviously the cause. So in time we move on to the next relationship, and sure enough at some point we are faced with the same situation again, and on it goes until the day when we stop blaming other people for what is wrong with our life and take responsibility.
That is when healing truly begins
Until that day comes, history is destined to repeat itself.But as I have found, simply knowing this isn’t enough to spare you from the heartache. Awareness, that is the key. Because until this is healed, it will continue to surface. And the difficult thing is that confronting the “source” of the issue is not the solution either. There is no peace to be found there. I know I have tried. This is something that can only be resolved within and healed within.
So now, having come to the realization, I know that I have reached a point in my journey where to stay the same is just not acceptable. It just doesn’t feel comfortable any more. I have glimpsed truth and I can no longer deny it to myself. There is no peace in that. Yes, change is inevitable and it also frightens me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
But I have faith….so there is no place for fear.
Just as light dispels darkness….
Saturday 31st October,2009
11:04pm
Unable to sleep as my mind won’t stop so I am writing in the hopes that emptying it a little, will bring some peace.
All day I have gone over and over my current situation. What surprises me at present is my inner strength and resolve. In truth I do not recognize this woman. But as my wise acupuncturist said to me, integration is essential. I must recognize and accept this “other” person as me. I must recognize that her accomplishments are my own.
So hard feeling integrated though, when your reality seems shattered. So much pain that keeps spilling forth as inexplicable tears that stop and start at will. If only words were as forthcoming. They are just so hard to find. Perhaps I should not have referred to them as a “pointless waste of time”.
My pain stems from the fact that I cannot believe that something so sacred and pure, at present causes only pain. And I keep searching for a way out and I have trouble finding one. But still I search.
And now I realize why it is that a solution cannot be found in the present. Because the problem lies in the past!!!!
As I was so clearly shown the other day, my issue stems from my dad, and my partner’s from his mum। They are issues that have surfaced time and time again in our past individual relationships and they have always meant the death of these relationships. They keep repeating themselves in our lives to give us the opportunity to heal. When it surfaces in the present we react to it in the present, assuming that the person, who triggered the reaction, is obviously the cause. So in time we move on to the next relationship, and sure enough at some point we are faced with the same situation again, and on it goes until the day when we stop blaming other people for what is wrong with our life and take responsibility.
That is when healing truly begins
Until that day comes, history is destined to repeat itself.But as I have found, simply knowing this isn’t enough to spare you from the heartache. Awareness, that is the key. Because until this is healed, it will continue to surface. And the difficult thing is that confronting the “source” of the issue is not the solution either. There is no peace to be found there. I know I have tried. This is something that can only be resolved within and healed within.
So now, having come to the realization, I know that I have reached a point in my journey where to stay the same is just not acceptable. It just doesn’t feel comfortable any more. I have glimpsed truth and I can no longer deny it to myself. There is no peace in that. Yes, change is inevitable and it also frightens me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
But I have faith….so there is no place for fear.
Just as light dispels darkness….
October 30, 2009
Crossroads……..
Saturday,31st October,2009
Oh God, Oh God, I need strength today. Things are not getting easier. It seems the more I come to know about myself the harder my life becomes. In our relationship where it was once our similarities that united us, it seems all that we see now are our differences. Such a heartbreaking thing to have to stand by and watch……….
Communication is still getting us nowhere really. Everything is misperceived. In truth we have reached a point where we are both aware of our own needs as well as of each others, but we have realized that they are in stark opposition to each other. Now at this point we have two choices. Move on or find a middle ground. They are the only two options and it is painful that where once there seemed to be endless possibilities, only two choices remain.
Oh God, Oh God, I need strength today. Things are not getting easier. It seems the more I come to know about myself the harder my life becomes. In our relationship where it was once our similarities that united us, it seems all that we see now are our differences. Such a heartbreaking thing to have to stand by and watch……….
Communication is still getting us nowhere really. Everything is misperceived. In truth we have reached a point where we are both aware of our own needs as well as of each others, but we have realized that they are in stark opposition to each other. Now at this point we have two choices. Move on or find a middle ground. They are the only two options and it is painful that where once there seemed to be endless possibilities, only two choices remain.
October 29, 2009
Stillness speaks!!!!
Thursday 29th October,2009
6:31PM
When words don’t take up all the available space, truth is able to reveal itself.
I have not spoken today since my last post, unless absolutely necessary. I know it seems extreme but each time words have been used today, conflict has ensued. In silence there is peace. Or am I deluding myself?
In one such moment today, as I stared at the ceiling without really looking, I saw myself and my partner both dealing with the exact same issues we have been dealing with all morning, but instead of us “venting” our frustrations out on each other, my target was my dad, and his, his mum.
I have read before that we inevitably always end up choosing a mate whose personality and traits are almost identical to the parent that we had the most conflict with. I believe Michael Domeyko Rowland talks about this in his wonderful book, “Absolute Happiness”. As such, every relationship affords us the opportunity to heal that aspect of our life. The problem here is that we are unaware of this mostly, and we project all our anger and rage at the person standing before us.
So as I read over and over this looking for a solution, I see there is only one.
Communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the universe must be laughing right about now!!!!!
6:31PM
When words don’t take up all the available space, truth is able to reveal itself.
I have not spoken today since my last post, unless absolutely necessary. I know it seems extreme but each time words have been used today, conflict has ensued. In silence there is peace. Or am I deluding myself?
In one such moment today, as I stared at the ceiling without really looking, I saw myself and my partner both dealing with the exact same issues we have been dealing with all morning, but instead of us “venting” our frustrations out on each other, my target was my dad, and his, his mum.
I have read before that we inevitably always end up choosing a mate whose personality and traits are almost identical to the parent that we had the most conflict with. I believe Michael Domeyko Rowland talks about this in his wonderful book, “Absolute Happiness”. As such, every relationship affords us the opportunity to heal that aspect of our life. The problem here is that we are unaware of this mostly, and we project all our anger and rage at the person standing before us.
So as I read over and over this looking for a solution, I see there is only one.
Communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the universe must be laughing right about now!!!!!
October 28, 2009
Conflicted.
Thursday 29th of October, 2009
It is such a difficult thing to undertake this journey into self when you have another’s needs to consider. It seems to be such a very thin line that separates attending to one’s needs from being seen as selfish. I feel I am failing dismally at this today and things are not good right now. Even writing about this does not feel good right now.
I have no answers, just a desperate need for peace and silence. Yes silence!! I have been thinking for quite some time that a retreat is necessary. Words at the moment do not seem to facilitate communication let alone understanding. For the first time in my life I have discovered the spoken word to be a pointless waste of time. It is never received in the manner in which it was given. It takes so much effort to help people understand me at the moment. The written word seems to be my only ally at present.
And prayer!!!!!!!!!!
It is such a difficult thing to undertake this journey into self when you have another’s needs to consider. It seems to be such a very thin line that separates attending to one’s needs from being seen as selfish. I feel I am failing dismally at this today and things are not good right now. Even writing about this does not feel good right now.
I have no answers, just a desperate need for peace and silence. Yes silence!! I have been thinking for quite some time that a retreat is necessary. Words at the moment do not seem to facilitate communication let alone understanding. For the first time in my life I have discovered the spoken word to be a pointless waste of time. It is never received in the manner in which it was given. It takes so much effort to help people understand me at the moment. The written word seems to be my only ally at present.
And prayer!!!!!!!!!!
Taking the first step……………
Wednesday, 28th October 2009
Okay। This is not going to be easy but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the time has come to move through the pain.
The morning started easily enough, on the surface at least, as I have become very aware since starting this journal that I am very, very good at deceiving myself!
When I read over the events of the last few days I see that it doesn’t even begin to touch on what was really going on। The truth of the matter is that I was only willing to look at the effects at the time. I was not yet ready to deal with the cause.
But today, that unwillingness on my part, has threatened to bring my world undone। So face it I must.
I had to walk away from this as I am finding it so hard to begin. Why?????????? I know why. Because what I need to write about involves others and this is no longer my own private journal. I dislike gossip intensely .So why write it then I must ask myself? The truth? Because I must.
I have witnessed some changes that can only be deemed as miraculous in my thinking. I have gone from someone that could not bear the pain of living in this world a second longer to someone who is committed to doing whatever it takes to eliminate the suffering of others. I lived my life in total denial , or perhaps it was just fear, of a wrathful punishing God only to find myself here, grateful for the life I have been given and desperate to know Him as my unshakeable faith draws me closer to him, and in turn myself, with every breath. That is why I need to share this.
I have found hope, faith and I have glimpsed peace and if by some beautiful chance, I am able to help others achieve the same for themselves, then it is worth every bit of discomfort I go through as I face my truth via a public platform। She says nervously……………………
So as I sit here trying to see what really happened that made me lose my way I realize that what happened is that Zarathustra decided to come down off the mountain!
When I made the commitment to heal my life 8 years ago, it was the mystical path of “know thyself” that I chose. To be honest I don’t remember choosing, it was just the only path for me. And as I devoured spiritual text after spiritual text, I gradually withdrew more and more from the “outer” world and became reclusive preferring the company of animals to that of humans. With animals “being” was so easy, with humans I was finding it very hard. Painfully hard. It hurt to see the way people treated both themselves and each other. So for a long time I had no contact with people , except for family, unless I had to leave the house to buy groceries.
I don’t know if it was fear or not that influenced that decision, but I do know that it was a necessary retreat for in that time “A Course in Miracles” came into my life and the healing commenced in earnest। I took my time working through the course, as I was well aware that some areas needed special attention, but within a few months of completing it, the changes started to reveal themselves through changes in my thinking patterns.
Have to try so hard to not go off on a tangent here as I see that my mind is trying to lead me away from what I must do.
When I withdrew I severed ALL connections to my past। I relocated and had no contact with anyone for 7 or 8 years. Then face book came into my life……॥suddenly I had a hectic social life just keeping up with all the wonderful emails I was receiving and so many wounds from the past were able to heal. It was beautiful and I was given so many opportunities to see that how we perceive things, isn’t always how they actually are and I was somehow, through the recollections of these friends, able to regain a sense of self. So very grateful.
As wonderful a time as this was, those wounds that needed to be healed, also needed to be faced and along with the memories of the past came the pain। In the midst of all this pain, I find a very dear friend whom I have not seen for over 23 years and we decide to catch up. I was terrified!! It was one thing staying in touch via the internet, but face to face???? I can’t do this. I have to do this. I want to do this. What if we have nothing in common anymore? And on and on, until catch up we did.
I felt like a little kid the morning we were to meet, all nervous excitement। The minute I saw her face my heart exploded with a love I had not felt for a long time, and all I saw was the 16 year old girl that I loved like a little sister all those years ago.
Within a matter of weeks this friendship became very much part of my life, if not my whole life। My friend’s needs suddenly overtook my own and despite my annoyance at this, I was also aware of the fact that in truth, I have no idea what’s right for me. How could I when I don’t even know who I am? With this in mind, I stepped outside my comfort zone in complete faith that perhaps this was God’s plan after all. Either way, I decided to trust and just surrender to the process. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t complain whilst doing so I might add.
All along I could clearly see that we were two very different people and despite witnessing things that to me were painful to witness, my love for her never waivered। I got mad, but I got over it quickly because I was so happy to have her back in my life. It made me so angry at myself afterwards to not have spoken my truth but in all honesty, I felt what I had to say would only be perceived as a judgment and that is never my intent. But then, neither is hurting myself, yet that is exactly what I did by placing someone else’s needs above my own.
One day I found myself in a situation that to me was unbearable to witness। Reliving the events of that morning on my way home whilst sharing the story with my partner, I start to cry। The cry turned to sobs, and all I could say was, ‘This just hurts so much”। As I kept recalling details the pain just got stronger and my partner witnessing this turns to me and says, “You are not going back there are you?” When I reply that I am, this wise, beautiful being that shares my life turns to me and says, ‘But then you are going against everything you stand for” and at that moment, I was back। Albeit temporarily।
His truth just cut through to the core of me and rocketed me into the present moment where all I could manage to say was “You are right”.
I have not seen her since that day and it has been a painful and difficult decision to make। I feel no anger, only deep sadness। There is no blame, nothing. How could I blame her for being who she is? And I can only be who I am. At this point I realize that there is nothing to forgive. It was I who refused to see the woman before me because I was still holding on to the girl who was my friend. I based a friendship upon an illusion and I believe that the only reason I refused to speak up sooner was because I feared my illusion being shattered.
I also see that far from losing myself as I had first thought, this relationship blessed my life by helping me have a clearer understanding of who I really am.
And for today that is all the truth I can handle…………….
Okay। This is not going to be easy but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the time has come to move through the pain.
The morning started easily enough, on the surface at least, as I have become very aware since starting this journal that I am very, very good at deceiving myself!
When I read over the events of the last few days I see that it doesn’t even begin to touch on what was really going on। The truth of the matter is that I was only willing to look at the effects at the time. I was not yet ready to deal with the cause.
But today, that unwillingness on my part, has threatened to bring my world undone। So face it I must.
I had to walk away from this as I am finding it so hard to begin. Why?????????? I know why. Because what I need to write about involves others and this is no longer my own private journal. I dislike gossip intensely .So why write it then I must ask myself? The truth? Because I must.
I have witnessed some changes that can only be deemed as miraculous in my thinking. I have gone from someone that could not bear the pain of living in this world a second longer to someone who is committed to doing whatever it takes to eliminate the suffering of others. I lived my life in total denial , or perhaps it was just fear, of a wrathful punishing God only to find myself here, grateful for the life I have been given and desperate to know Him as my unshakeable faith draws me closer to him, and in turn myself, with every breath. That is why I need to share this.
I have found hope, faith and I have glimpsed peace and if by some beautiful chance, I am able to help others achieve the same for themselves, then it is worth every bit of discomfort I go through as I face my truth via a public platform। She says nervously……………………
So as I sit here trying to see what really happened that made me lose my way I realize that what happened is that Zarathustra decided to come down off the mountain!
When I made the commitment to heal my life 8 years ago, it was the mystical path of “know thyself” that I chose. To be honest I don’t remember choosing, it was just the only path for me. And as I devoured spiritual text after spiritual text, I gradually withdrew more and more from the “outer” world and became reclusive preferring the company of animals to that of humans. With animals “being” was so easy, with humans I was finding it very hard. Painfully hard. It hurt to see the way people treated both themselves and each other. So for a long time I had no contact with people , except for family, unless I had to leave the house to buy groceries.
I don’t know if it was fear or not that influenced that decision, but I do know that it was a necessary retreat for in that time “A Course in Miracles” came into my life and the healing commenced in earnest। I took my time working through the course, as I was well aware that some areas needed special attention, but within a few months of completing it, the changes started to reveal themselves through changes in my thinking patterns.
Have to try so hard to not go off on a tangent here as I see that my mind is trying to lead me away from what I must do.
When I withdrew I severed ALL connections to my past। I relocated and had no contact with anyone for 7 or 8 years. Then face book came into my life……॥suddenly I had a hectic social life just keeping up with all the wonderful emails I was receiving and so many wounds from the past were able to heal. It was beautiful and I was given so many opportunities to see that how we perceive things, isn’t always how they actually are and I was somehow, through the recollections of these friends, able to regain a sense of self. So very grateful.
As wonderful a time as this was, those wounds that needed to be healed, also needed to be faced and along with the memories of the past came the pain। In the midst of all this pain, I find a very dear friend whom I have not seen for over 23 years and we decide to catch up. I was terrified!! It was one thing staying in touch via the internet, but face to face???? I can’t do this. I have to do this. I want to do this. What if we have nothing in common anymore? And on and on, until catch up we did.
I felt like a little kid the morning we were to meet, all nervous excitement। The minute I saw her face my heart exploded with a love I had not felt for a long time, and all I saw was the 16 year old girl that I loved like a little sister all those years ago.
Within a matter of weeks this friendship became very much part of my life, if not my whole life। My friend’s needs suddenly overtook my own and despite my annoyance at this, I was also aware of the fact that in truth, I have no idea what’s right for me. How could I when I don’t even know who I am? With this in mind, I stepped outside my comfort zone in complete faith that perhaps this was God’s plan after all. Either way, I decided to trust and just surrender to the process. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t complain whilst doing so I might add.
All along I could clearly see that we were two very different people and despite witnessing things that to me were painful to witness, my love for her never waivered। I got mad, but I got over it quickly because I was so happy to have her back in my life. It made me so angry at myself afterwards to not have spoken my truth but in all honesty, I felt what I had to say would only be perceived as a judgment and that is never my intent. But then, neither is hurting myself, yet that is exactly what I did by placing someone else’s needs above my own.
One day I found myself in a situation that to me was unbearable to witness। Reliving the events of that morning on my way home whilst sharing the story with my partner, I start to cry। The cry turned to sobs, and all I could say was, ‘This just hurts so much”। As I kept recalling details the pain just got stronger and my partner witnessing this turns to me and says, “You are not going back there are you?” When I reply that I am, this wise, beautiful being that shares my life turns to me and says, ‘But then you are going against everything you stand for” and at that moment, I was back। Albeit temporarily।
His truth just cut through to the core of me and rocketed me into the present moment where all I could manage to say was “You are right”.
I have not seen her since that day and it has been a painful and difficult decision to make। I feel no anger, only deep sadness। There is no blame, nothing. How could I blame her for being who she is? And I can only be who I am. At this point I realize that there is nothing to forgive. It was I who refused to see the woman before me because I was still holding on to the girl who was my friend. I based a friendship upon an illusion and I believe that the only reason I refused to speak up sooner was because I feared my illusion being shattered.
I also see that far from losing myself as I had first thought, this relationship blessed my life by helping me have a clearer understanding of who I really am.
And for today that is all the truth I can handle…………….
October 27, 2009
The healing begins………
Wednesday,28th October,2009
My day has been consumed by thoughts about my writings. As I read and re-read today’s posting, something seemed not right.
I have not kept a journal in this format before and it’s a little different to keeping one in book form. With a book, once you turn the page, chances are you won’t look at it again unless you intend to. Not so in this case. And it has tormented me all day.
And then, truth, and set me free it did!
I realized that as clever as I thought I was in seeing the manipulations of my mind, I had not actually done anything about bringing myself out of this state.
Depression is a word I only use to help others understand me a little better,( If it can be labeled and categorized, then it can be dealt with.),it isn’t how I see myself though. It does not define me, but it has helped me get a stronger sense of who I actually am. So it saddened me greatly to read what I had written and “see” that for some time now , I actually forgot who I was.
At the same time I also realized, that all the time I spent today feeling pretty low about the fact that I had not actually “done” anything to help myself except write about it, was time wasted, not to mention energy wasted। Because, were it not for my writing , I would not have been able to “see” with my own eyes what I was actually doing.
Once I was able to see, I could not let it go, try as I might, I could not ignore it. And as I prayed for understanding, it slowly began to unfold. I started to look back over the last couple of months and was able to see exactly how I arrived at this point.
I so desperately need to write about this now but cannot keep my eyes open। I fear that if I go to sleep I will forget what I have learned about myself today .Fortunately, there is no chance of that unless my computer quits on me during the night……………………
My day has been consumed by thoughts about my writings. As I read and re-read today’s posting, something seemed not right.
I have not kept a journal in this format before and it’s a little different to keeping one in book form. With a book, once you turn the page, chances are you won’t look at it again unless you intend to. Not so in this case. And it has tormented me all day.
And then, truth, and set me free it did!
I realized that as clever as I thought I was in seeing the manipulations of my mind, I had not actually done anything about bringing myself out of this state.
Depression is a word I only use to help others understand me a little better,( If it can be labeled and categorized, then it can be dealt with.),it isn’t how I see myself though. It does not define me, but it has helped me get a stronger sense of who I actually am. So it saddened me greatly to read what I had written and “see” that for some time now , I actually forgot who I was.
At the same time I also realized, that all the time I spent today feeling pretty low about the fact that I had not actually “done” anything to help myself except write about it, was time wasted, not to mention energy wasted। Because, were it not for my writing , I would not have been able to “see” with my own eyes what I was actually doing.
Once I was able to see, I could not let it go, try as I might, I could not ignore it. And as I prayed for understanding, it slowly began to unfold. I started to look back over the last couple of months and was able to see exactly how I arrived at this point.
I so desperately need to write about this now but cannot keep my eyes open। I fear that if I go to sleep I will forget what I have learned about myself today .Fortunately, there is no chance of that unless my computer quits on me during the night……………………
October 26, 2009
Here comes the rain again……….
Tuesday 27th of October,2009
It’s Tuesday and it’s a grey, overcast day.
That about sums up both the day, and my mental state.
So very hard writing today. Thoughts come in, disturb my fleeting moments of peace, then just as I feel ready to sit down and face them, they leave to be replaced by another disturbing thought, memory or feeling.
There is so much brewing beneath the surface that I just can’t face right now. Only because for some reason I do not want to. I know enough to realize that face it I must. The only way to come out the other side of this is by moving towards it and through it. Avoidance and procrastination have led me nowhere except back to where I started, time and time again.
Yet I can’t seem to convince myself of it for today.
It’s Tuesday and it’s a grey, overcast day.
That about sums up both the day, and my mental state.
So very hard writing today. Thoughts come in, disturb my fleeting moments of peace, then just as I feel ready to sit down and face them, they leave to be replaced by another disturbing thought, memory or feeling.
There is so much brewing beneath the surface that I just can’t face right now. Only because for some reason I do not want to. I know enough to realize that face it I must. The only way to come out the other side of this is by moving towards it and through it. Avoidance and procrastination have led me nowhere except back to where I started, time and time again.
Yet I can’t seem to convince myself of it for today.
October 25, 2009
The morning sad………..
Monday, 26th of October,2009
Wake up and talk to me, it’s a long time since last night I know we said things, the saddest things,and I'm not sure it was wise.When the morning's sad you don't look back and you sure don't look ahead. The morning sad,
The morning sad,never had it so bad….
Veruca Salt
Song lyrics always have a way of putting into words and expressing exactly what I’m feeling or experiencing at any given moment. Today, Veruca Salt’s “The Morning Sad “, plays in my head like a soundtrack to my present reality.
I stayed up until close to four this morning in an attempt to not have to “wake up” again and start another day miserably. Notice I said “start the day miserably” as opposed to “face another miserable day”, which was the first thought that entered my mind. As easily as it came, I chose to let it go and take responsibility rather than be a victim. Not easy but lately it’s happening more and more. And the recognition of that fact is what I need to hold onto right now to get me through this day and out the other side.
Writing also helps। It has got me through some of the darkest periods in my life. To get the thoughts out of my head requires a certain organization which gives me clarity and at times it affords me the luxury of insight when in reading over what I have written, I suddenly “see” what was not visible to me as an abstract thought. As with all things that help me when I am in a depressed state, I mostly lack the motivation to do it at the times when it would most benefit me. I realize this is something I can change though, as I recognize my inability to write when I most need to clear my head, as just a conditioned response in order to avoid something unpleasant.
Wake up and talk to me, it’s a long time since last night I know we said things, the saddest things,and I'm not sure it was wise.When the morning's sad you don't look back and you sure don't look ahead. The morning sad,
The morning sad,never had it so bad….
Veruca Salt
Song lyrics always have a way of putting into words and expressing exactly what I’m feeling or experiencing at any given moment. Today, Veruca Salt’s “The Morning Sad “, plays in my head like a soundtrack to my present reality.
I stayed up until close to four this morning in an attempt to not have to “wake up” again and start another day miserably. Notice I said “start the day miserably” as opposed to “face another miserable day”, which was the first thought that entered my mind. As easily as it came, I chose to let it go and take responsibility rather than be a victim. Not easy but lately it’s happening more and more. And the recognition of that fact is what I need to hold onto right now to get me through this day and out the other side.
Writing also helps। It has got me through some of the darkest periods in my life. To get the thoughts out of my head requires a certain organization which gives me clarity and at times it affords me the luxury of insight when in reading over what I have written, I suddenly “see” what was not visible to me as an abstract thought. As with all things that help me when I am in a depressed state, I mostly lack the motivation to do it at the times when it would most benefit me. I realize this is something I can change though, as I recognize my inability to write when I most need to clear my head, as just a conditioned response in order to avoid something unpleasant.
The unpleasantness I refer to, is truth. When I face myself in this way and am able to observe the workings of my mind through my writings, I am almost always inevitably faced with the truth about myself. Once that happens, I can no longer ignore that aspect of myself that needs to be let go off. And then the real pain begins……………
A Day with Depression
12th September,2009
Last week a revelation, this week back in hell
A day with depression is so unbearable that words cannot fully convey the feeling of it. You spend your whole time trying to escape it only to realize with sheer desperation that you cannot.
You cannot because where you go, it goes.
It’s within you.
In those moments, it is you.
And thus begins the self-loathing.
You hate yourself for being this way. You hate yourself for putting the people that you know you love, through this hell with you. You hate yourself for feeling so helpless, useless and incapacitated when it comes to making the necessary changes.
It’s impossible to reach out and grab a firm hold of anything when you feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around you. It’s like you are in the scene but not really a part of it, in essence, a ghost.
So many times today I tried to reach out to the “stranger” that has shared my life and resided firmly in my heart for the last seven and a half years, only to feel bound and gagged. No words, no feelings. Just a despair that could only be expressed, no, released through an unsolicited barrage of tears that ceased as abruptly as it began. And the gap widened…..feel even more disconnected if that is at all possible.
The most painful part of this all is that it is not going on unnoticed. I am aware.
So why then can I not stop it?
Why do I put myself through this pain? It must serve some purpose.
At times I get moments of clarity in which a certain understanding takes place, but they are so short lived and so elusive when it comes to holding onto them.
Today I had an understanding that I should embrace this and recognize that the discomfort I feel is a positive. It is only taking place within me because I am not happy with who I am. My life outside of me is perfect. When it comes to me, not so. Perfection though, is not my aim. Authenticity is. Being true to myself is all that matters, to be otherwise is to live a life not worth living. And for me the awareness of this and my commitment to it, manifests in my life as depression. Without depression as a signpost in my life empowering me to make the necessary changes, I would still be a victim, trapped in an unhappy life and feeling powerless to do anything about it.
Ignorance is indeed bliss!! Or is it?
Last week a revelation, this week back in hell
A day with depression is so unbearable that words cannot fully convey the feeling of it. You spend your whole time trying to escape it only to realize with sheer desperation that you cannot.
You cannot because where you go, it goes.
It’s within you.
In those moments, it is you.
And thus begins the self-loathing.
You hate yourself for being this way. You hate yourself for putting the people that you know you love, through this hell with you. You hate yourself for feeling so helpless, useless and incapacitated when it comes to making the necessary changes.
It’s impossible to reach out and grab a firm hold of anything when you feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around you. It’s like you are in the scene but not really a part of it, in essence, a ghost.
So many times today I tried to reach out to the “stranger” that has shared my life and resided firmly in my heart for the last seven and a half years, only to feel bound and gagged. No words, no feelings. Just a despair that could only be expressed, no, released through an unsolicited barrage of tears that ceased as abruptly as it began. And the gap widened…..feel even more disconnected if that is at all possible.
The most painful part of this all is that it is not going on unnoticed. I am aware.
So why then can I not stop it?
Why do I put myself through this pain? It must serve some purpose.
At times I get moments of clarity in which a certain understanding takes place, but they are so short lived and so elusive when it comes to holding onto them.
Today I had an understanding that I should embrace this and recognize that the discomfort I feel is a positive. It is only taking place within me because I am not happy with who I am. My life outside of me is perfect. When it comes to me, not so. Perfection though, is not my aim. Authenticity is. Being true to myself is all that matters, to be otherwise is to live a life not worth living. And for me the awareness of this and my commitment to it, manifests in my life as depression. Without depression as a signpost in my life empowering me to make the necessary changes, I would still be a victim, trapped in an unhappy life and feeling powerless to do anything about it.
Ignorance is indeed bliss!! Or is it?
On Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.
30th August, 2009
Today I awoke in anger, and I lay there wondering how I was going to face another day in this miserable state. I knew I couldn’t, but more to the point and perhaps most importantly, I knew I didn’t want to.
In an instant my mind was bombarded with images of myself holding a gun to my head. They were images that would not abate. I was overwhelmed with despair and lay there in bed, numb to everything but what was playing out in my mind. With curtains drawn, I just lay there staring at the bedroom ceiling, a multitude of thoughts running through my mind all reinforcing my pain along with the belief that I didn’t want this life for myself anymore.
I do not know what it was that compelled me to sit up and open the curtains, as I had made up my mind to avoid this day altogether as I had so often done in the past, and sleep through it as if it never happened. But as I sat there on the hilltop, looking out the window at the grey, overcast, miserable day which seemed to only reflect my inner state, I started to cry. No thought, no feeling, just a lot of tears.
I do not know how long I cried for, nor how many times this happened, but I do recall the building intensity with each episode along with the mounting feelings of despair. Despair at the fact that I thought I had come so far and could control my thoughts enough for this not to recur, but here I was at the mercy of the depression once again.
Suddenly, as I searched in my mind desperately for answers, for a way out, I was shown a way. I suddenly understood that these suicidal images were not intended to hurt me, they were intended to help, to show me what needed to be done. Just as in the tarot where the death card represents change, transformation, a letting go, or “dying off” of that which no longer serves you in order to make way for that which does, these suicide images were serving the same purpose, they were telling me it is time for change.
Suicidal thoughts only ever invade your thinking when you have reached a point in life, in a situation, where you are in so much pain and can see no other way out. They do not occur until that point is reached. Our desperate silent pleas for help do not go unanswered, and the answer always comes from within. Suicide, death!
Defeated and numb, trapped within the murky depths of the abyss, thoughts of suicide can only be interpreted literally. For what on earth else could possibly release you from this dark place?
But today, in my unwillingness to accept that death in the literal sense was the only option available to me; I was shown a different way of perceiving the situation, which ultimately led to an understanding. All I needed to do was choose a different way. Changing your choices is not a difficult thing to do when you become aware that the old familiar choices only ever result in more pain, it’s never different. Of course we always hope it will be, otherwise why would we continuously make the same choice over and over?
In realizing this, I also “saw” that depression is not the enemy, it is merely the mind’s attempt to heal itself. Pain is the body’s language. It is how it communicates to us. If it were not for pain we would not be aware that healing is needed. Hence depression, and the pain that it brings, is the mind’s call for help.
That realization in and of itself was a monumental step forward. To see depression as a friend and not a foe has enabled light to dispel darkness and hope to dispel the despair. A liberation of sorts has transpired as I no longer feel like the hapless victim. Rather than being disempowering, depression has taken on a new significance in my life. It is no longer a prison door that keeps me trapped in my pain, it now represents a doorway to change, a way out of the darkness.
And for now, that is enough.
Today I awoke in anger, and I lay there wondering how I was going to face another day in this miserable state. I knew I couldn’t, but more to the point and perhaps most importantly, I knew I didn’t want to.
In an instant my mind was bombarded with images of myself holding a gun to my head. They were images that would not abate. I was overwhelmed with despair and lay there in bed, numb to everything but what was playing out in my mind. With curtains drawn, I just lay there staring at the bedroom ceiling, a multitude of thoughts running through my mind all reinforcing my pain along with the belief that I didn’t want this life for myself anymore.
I do not know what it was that compelled me to sit up and open the curtains, as I had made up my mind to avoid this day altogether as I had so often done in the past, and sleep through it as if it never happened. But as I sat there on the hilltop, looking out the window at the grey, overcast, miserable day which seemed to only reflect my inner state, I started to cry. No thought, no feeling, just a lot of tears.
I do not know how long I cried for, nor how many times this happened, but I do recall the building intensity with each episode along with the mounting feelings of despair. Despair at the fact that I thought I had come so far and could control my thoughts enough for this not to recur, but here I was at the mercy of the depression once again.
Suddenly, as I searched in my mind desperately for answers, for a way out, I was shown a way. I suddenly understood that these suicidal images were not intended to hurt me, they were intended to help, to show me what needed to be done. Just as in the tarot where the death card represents change, transformation, a letting go, or “dying off” of that which no longer serves you in order to make way for that which does, these suicide images were serving the same purpose, they were telling me it is time for change.
Suicidal thoughts only ever invade your thinking when you have reached a point in life, in a situation, where you are in so much pain and can see no other way out. They do not occur until that point is reached. Our desperate silent pleas for help do not go unanswered, and the answer always comes from within. Suicide, death!
Defeated and numb, trapped within the murky depths of the abyss, thoughts of suicide can only be interpreted literally. For what on earth else could possibly release you from this dark place?
But today, in my unwillingness to accept that death in the literal sense was the only option available to me; I was shown a different way of perceiving the situation, which ultimately led to an understanding. All I needed to do was choose a different way. Changing your choices is not a difficult thing to do when you become aware that the old familiar choices only ever result in more pain, it’s never different. Of course we always hope it will be, otherwise why would we continuously make the same choice over and over?
In realizing this, I also “saw” that depression is not the enemy, it is merely the mind’s attempt to heal itself. Pain is the body’s language. It is how it communicates to us. If it were not for pain we would not be aware that healing is needed. Hence depression, and the pain that it brings, is the mind’s call for help.
That realization in and of itself was a monumental step forward. To see depression as a friend and not a foe has enabled light to dispel darkness and hope to dispel the despair. A liberation of sorts has transpired as I no longer feel like the hapless victim. Rather than being disempowering, depression has taken on a new significance in my life. It is no longer a prison door that keeps me trapped in my pain, it now represents a doorway to change, a way out of the darkness.
And for now, that is enough.
October 24, 2009
My journey through depression as I begin to discover who I truly am....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I slept in today. It’s become the norm lately. Just so hard to get up and face the day. Had I known then what was lying in wait just beneath the surface, I would have rolled over, closed my eyes and gone back to sleep. Pretend this day never happened…..
Instead I lay there, not thinking at first, just staring at the ceiling and listening to Bluey, my cat trying to devise a way to make me get up and attend to him. Still I lay there. In stillness and thoughtless, but not for long.
Slowly thoughts eased their way into my consciousness, subtle and seemingly harmless. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get up today and not have to “do” anything because it’s all been done for me?” There was no substance to this question it was merely a “what if?” kind of moment, and that should have been the end of it, but unfortunately it wasn’t. Suddenly the fantasy taking place in my head became a reality because I got up walked into the living room and was most annoyed when my fantasy had not manifested into a reality.
I recognized the absurdity of what was taking place within me and proceeded with the chores that still needed doing. What I neglected to notice at the time was the fact that there was in fact not much left for me to do as my partner had awoken before me and set about tidying up so that I wouldn’t have as much to do when I got up.
Aaah, hindsight…..!!!!!!!!!!!!
With every dish I put away, the noise got louder and I could see what was happening. I was able to momentarily separate myself enough from what was going on in order to observe it, but did not do a thing to stop it. As the noise got louder, and my slams got harder, the anger bubbled and brewed beneath the surface and I could feel the pressure building. I wasn’t feeding it with my thoughts because in all truth I had not a clue as to what it was that was making me so angry but it made me feel uncomfortable as I did not know how to stop this.
I do not know at what point it was that I identified with my anger and became one with it, if I knew, chances are I would not be sitting here writing this, as once that point is reached, it is very difficult to pull back in time before feelings are hurt
As I sat here reading what I had just written and thinking about it, I had the realization of exactly when that moment took place. I identified with my anger the moment my innocent and caring partner asked me what was wrong. He had heard the increasing din of plates crashing and knew that my mood was not a peaceful one today and in his naivety and desire for peace, he decided to stand on the edge of the volcano and peer in.
The moment he uttered the words, “What’s wrong?”, the volcano erupted!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to resist at first as I could not say what was wrong, I only knew I felt angry but not why and as I went to tell him not to worry as it had nothing to do with him, my victim story spewed forth with such ferocity and venom and suddenly it was all his fault.
From that point on reason left the building. I will not repeat what came out of my mouth as in all honesty, I cannot accurately recall the words I used. I do know that I accused him of things that I could not substantiate in the slightest, yet still, out they came. And then I stopped. He said a few hurtful things back. And then he stopped.
I just sat there completely rattled. These feelings unsettle me, particularly when I have no idea as to why I am feeling them. In shock and silence I sat there trying to process what had taken place. I desperately tried to understand why I had attacked him and accused him of not doing the very thing he was doing when I got up. Why was I so angry at him? Was I angry at him?
I wondered whether my anger had been innocently projected onto him when in fact it was the dissolution of an old friendship which was affecting me.
No. Nothing there.
Then I remembered something I had read about anger. A few months ago in my attempts to heal and release my suppressed anger, I came across an article by Michaiel Patrick Bovenes in which he makes the point that anger is neither a negative emotion, nor is it a positive one, it’s just an emotion. It only becomes a negative emotion when it is repressed, and a positive one when it is expressed. In other words it’s perfectly natural to feel anger, we just need to understand the nature of it. And that is what I was struggling to do as I sat there recalling what I had read. And then I remembered that in the same article he mentioned that “when you begin to understand the true nature of your anger, you also harness the lost power of your will” as within anger, lies suppressed willpower.
As I processed this and thought about the events that had taken place this morning, it didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that my anger towards my partner was totally unwarranted. As if I needed further convincing of that!
So what now, as my anger still didn’t feel satisfied and I could feel that I still wanted to unload?
And I looked at his face and could not feel angry. At that moment I recalled a conversation with my acupuncturist on this very topic when he was answering my question as to what is the key to resolving these situations. I was face down at the time so I couldn’t see his face but I remember the calmness and the softness of his voice as he lovingly answered, “Compassion”.
As I looked at his face again, with the word echoing in my head, all I felt was pain. I could see the scars that my scathing comments had etched onto his face. His eyes were filled with sadness and I could feel the weight of his heart in my chest. And all I could manage was, “ I am sorry for the things I said”, but I could not look him in the eyes for the pain was unbearable, and I was responsible for that pain. My inability to make eye contact was understandably interpreted by him as insincerity on my part, and thus my apology has had no effect at all.
As I struggle to make sense of all this I wonder why it is that I am so affected by an incident which is not unlike so many others we have had in our eight years together. For some reason this one feels different. I can’t seem to fix it. He won’t talk to me and my attempts to heal the situation are unwanted.
I can’t help but sense that what is different this time is me. It doesn’t feel good anymore to be angry. There is no reward, no pay-off.
Only pain. Only guilt.
I slept in today. It’s become the norm lately. Just so hard to get up and face the day. Had I known then what was lying in wait just beneath the surface, I would have rolled over, closed my eyes and gone back to sleep. Pretend this day never happened…..
Instead I lay there, not thinking at first, just staring at the ceiling and listening to Bluey, my cat trying to devise a way to make me get up and attend to him. Still I lay there. In stillness and thoughtless, but not for long.
Slowly thoughts eased their way into my consciousness, subtle and seemingly harmless. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get up today and not have to “do” anything because it’s all been done for me?” There was no substance to this question it was merely a “what if?” kind of moment, and that should have been the end of it, but unfortunately it wasn’t. Suddenly the fantasy taking place in my head became a reality because I got up walked into the living room and was most annoyed when my fantasy had not manifested into a reality.
I recognized the absurdity of what was taking place within me and proceeded with the chores that still needed doing. What I neglected to notice at the time was the fact that there was in fact not much left for me to do as my partner had awoken before me and set about tidying up so that I wouldn’t have as much to do when I got up.
Aaah, hindsight…..!!!!!!!!!!!!
With every dish I put away, the noise got louder and I could see what was happening. I was able to momentarily separate myself enough from what was going on in order to observe it, but did not do a thing to stop it. As the noise got louder, and my slams got harder, the anger bubbled and brewed beneath the surface and I could feel the pressure building. I wasn’t feeding it with my thoughts because in all truth I had not a clue as to what it was that was making me so angry but it made me feel uncomfortable as I did not know how to stop this.
I do not know at what point it was that I identified with my anger and became one with it, if I knew, chances are I would not be sitting here writing this, as once that point is reached, it is very difficult to pull back in time before feelings are hurt
As I sat here reading what I had just written and thinking about it, I had the realization of exactly when that moment took place. I identified with my anger the moment my innocent and caring partner asked me what was wrong. He had heard the increasing din of plates crashing and knew that my mood was not a peaceful one today and in his naivety and desire for peace, he decided to stand on the edge of the volcano and peer in.
The moment he uttered the words, “What’s wrong?”, the volcano erupted!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to resist at first as I could not say what was wrong, I only knew I felt angry but not why and as I went to tell him not to worry as it had nothing to do with him, my victim story spewed forth with such ferocity and venom and suddenly it was all his fault.
From that point on reason left the building. I will not repeat what came out of my mouth as in all honesty, I cannot accurately recall the words I used. I do know that I accused him of things that I could not substantiate in the slightest, yet still, out they came. And then I stopped. He said a few hurtful things back. And then he stopped.
I just sat there completely rattled. These feelings unsettle me, particularly when I have no idea as to why I am feeling them. In shock and silence I sat there trying to process what had taken place. I desperately tried to understand why I had attacked him and accused him of not doing the very thing he was doing when I got up. Why was I so angry at him? Was I angry at him?
I wondered whether my anger had been innocently projected onto him when in fact it was the dissolution of an old friendship which was affecting me.
No. Nothing there.
Then I remembered something I had read about anger. A few months ago in my attempts to heal and release my suppressed anger, I came across an article by Michaiel Patrick Bovenes in which he makes the point that anger is neither a negative emotion, nor is it a positive one, it’s just an emotion. It only becomes a negative emotion when it is repressed, and a positive one when it is expressed. In other words it’s perfectly natural to feel anger, we just need to understand the nature of it. And that is what I was struggling to do as I sat there recalling what I had read. And then I remembered that in the same article he mentioned that “when you begin to understand the true nature of your anger, you also harness the lost power of your will” as within anger, lies suppressed willpower.
As I processed this and thought about the events that had taken place this morning, it didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that my anger towards my partner was totally unwarranted. As if I needed further convincing of that!
So what now, as my anger still didn’t feel satisfied and I could feel that I still wanted to unload?
And I looked at his face and could not feel angry. At that moment I recalled a conversation with my acupuncturist on this very topic when he was answering my question as to what is the key to resolving these situations. I was face down at the time so I couldn’t see his face but I remember the calmness and the softness of his voice as he lovingly answered, “Compassion”.
As I looked at his face again, with the word echoing in my head, all I felt was pain. I could see the scars that my scathing comments had etched onto his face. His eyes were filled with sadness and I could feel the weight of his heart in my chest. And all I could manage was, “ I am sorry for the things I said”, but I could not look him in the eyes for the pain was unbearable, and I was responsible for that pain. My inability to make eye contact was understandably interpreted by him as insincerity on my part, and thus my apology has had no effect at all.
As I struggle to make sense of all this I wonder why it is that I am so affected by an incident which is not unlike so many others we have had in our eight years together. For some reason this one feels different. I can’t seem to fix it. He won’t talk to me and my attempts to heal the situation are unwanted.
I can’t help but sense that what is different this time is me. It doesn’t feel good anymore to be angry. There is no reward, no pay-off.
Only pain. Only guilt.
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