A Day with Depression

12th September,2009
Last week a revelation, this week back in hell
A day with depression is so unbearable that words cannot fully convey the feeling of it. You spend your whole time trying to escape it only to realize with sheer desperation that you cannot.
You cannot because where you go, it goes.
It’s within you.
In those moments, it is you.
And thus begins the self-loathing.
You hate yourself for being this way. You hate yourself for putting the people that you know you love, through this hell with you. You hate yourself for feeling so helpless, useless and incapacitated when it comes to making the necessary changes.
It’s impossible to reach out and grab a firm hold of anything when you feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around you. It’s like you are in the scene but not really a part of it, in essence, a ghost.
So many times today I tried to reach out to the “stranger” that has shared my life and resided firmly in my heart for the last seven and a half years, only to feel bound and gagged. No words, no feelings. Just a despair that could only be expressed, no, released through an unsolicited barrage of tears that ceased as abruptly as it began. And the gap widened…..feel even more disconnected if that is at all possible.
The most painful part of this all is that it is not going on unnoticed. I am aware.
So why then can I not stop it?
Why do I put myself through this pain? It must serve some purpose.
At times I get moments of clarity in which a certain understanding takes place, but they are so short lived and so elusive when it comes to holding onto them.
Today I had an understanding that I should embrace this and recognize that the discomfort I feel is a positive. It is only taking place within me because I am not happy with who I am. My life outside of me is perfect. When it comes to me, not so. Perfection though, is not my aim. Authenticity is. Being true to myself is all that matters, to be otherwise is to live a life not worth living. And for me the awareness of this and my commitment to it, manifests in my life as depression. Without depression as a signpost in my life empowering me to make the necessary changes, I would still be a victim, trapped in an unhappy life and feeling powerless to do anything about it.
Ignorance is indeed bliss!! Or is it?