“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday……….”

Wednesday 11th November, 2009
For some time now I have been aware that my internal guidance communicates to me through song lyrics. It would drive me near insane to hear certain lines from songs repeating over and over and over again in my head. Originally I had thought that at some point during the day I had heard the song and as a result, “I” kept singing it in my head. But I soon became aware that this was not the case as some songs that I heard the words to, although familiar, the lyrics were not really known to me. And as I “noticed” the words that I kept hearing, I became aware that that they always related to something taking place in my life. And upon reading somewhere that some people did in fact experience this also, I really started to listen.
This morning I awoke in sadness, completely unaware of the song playing in the background. I was aware of a certain “noise” but my sadness had my full attention.
Three days ago I was certain that my life had changed forever. I do not know how it happened but for the first time in my life I felt my life was “normal”. It was so easy being me. I felt light and unburdened, and so very much love. When I awoke the next day I was so happy. I had not had that feeling since being a child of waking up excited about the day ahead. Within a matter of hours I watched it all come tumbling down.
How it happened I do not know. Why did it happen? Because it had to, I see now.
That morning as I engaged in a “normal” conversation with my partner, something within me shifted and I watched helplessly as the joy I had felt so intensely just slipped away from me. All rationality left me and I could do nothing to speak up, speak my truth and stop what was taking place. It was like I was trapped inside my head, a prisoner, whilst someone else took over and destroyed my happiness. I was completely aware and it was very painful to witness.
Within hours I became psychotic and suicidal thoughts and the desperate urge to do self harm overwhelmed me. Nothing, could bring me back. In despair my parents were called and hospitalization seemed the only solution. I kept screaming for salvation but all I got was my own pain back everytime. I could see no way out.
Finally it was my dad who got through and pulled me from the depths of the abyss, when in his awareness of my sensitivities, my empathic nature, he sat me down and said “My daughter, this isn’t you.”
In an instant I was back. But it still hasn’t left me.
I cannot even begin to communicate what I have been feeling. That part of my life has seemed like another world away. It has nothing to do with my present reality. I believed that part of me was gone forever, healed. And I have spent the last three days trying to comprehend what took place and why.
I keep hoping that I will one day just wake up “happy” again, but upon awakening this morning to sadness again, that idea just seemed ever more elusive. And I don’t know whence it came but suddenly I understood why the events of three days ago took place. To help me attain a better sense of whom I am not, in order to know who I am.
On that day as I watched myself “lose it”, I was fully aware that what I was putting out there, was not what I was really feeling in my heart. In fact it had nothing to do with what was going on in me. But it was like “I” had no voice and as my thoughts took me deeper into despair,” I” had no control. I could not override them. To be completely honest it scared me. It still does when I think back on it. But this morning I suddenly understood. I understood that in order for me to heal, I needed to see the truth and that truth is that the “psychosis” or “mental illness” is not me. I know that because I was completely detached from it as it was happening.
And as I absorbed that realization I heard the following words ;
“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday,
When you change with every new day,
Still I’m going to miss you.”

As I focused on those words I started to cry and a deep sadness overwhelmed me. I am still feeling it as I read the last line, “Still I’m going to miss you.”
I just couldn’t get it at first. What is the significance here? So I lay there trying to understand when the fullness of what had taken place this morning hit me. In my recognizing that the “sickness” wasn’t me, I had let it go. A part that I thought was me had suddenly died. My sadness was grief and I realized that for the purpose of today’s lesson, I was Ruby Tuesday.

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothing's gained And nothing's lost

At such a cost

There's no time to lose, I heard her say

Catch your dreams before they slip away

Dying all the time Lose your dreams

And you will lose your mind.

Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday……

Goodbye…………….

On the rollercoaster again!!!

Tuesday 10th November, 2009
Confusion reigns supreme at the moment. The truth can only set you free if you embrace that truth as your own. The moment you question it, you are once again imprisoned.
Accepting that I am an empath has been a struggle.
First I questioned God’s place in all of this. If this is not “on purpose” then it has no place in my life. For days I questioned this until I realized that His creations are perfect. He does not make mistakes. I am His creation and He created me as I am. So to deny this is in effect to deny myself. Ever so slowly I am absorbing this as my truth.
Then came the painful part, understanding this, in relation to my life experience thus far.
I had until that point made “some” sense of it all or had at least “talked” myself into an understanding of why I had been the way I was. But I still saw myself as a victim to my depression in that I still could not predict when things could turn bad. And once they did all I could do was brace myself for the ride until it was over.
Now, viewing my life through new eyes, I am slowly letting go of so much guilt that I have carried for so long.
At this point it is difficult to write about.
I have glimpsed moments of true clarity which overwhelmed me. And I have had moments of utter confusion and despair where I feared I would end up back in hospital.
It is slow going at present but I am moving forward and that is all that matters here.
I think I have to stop looking for validation and acceptance of who I am in the eyes of others and really start to search deep within me. I keep hearing the “soft inner voice” guiding me gently to turn inwards and stop looking outside for the answers I seek.

And the truth shall set you free……….

Tuesday 2nd November, 2009
This has not been an easy day to endure. Yesterday I felt on the verge of a new beginning. Today I feel stuck. Sickness and anxiety have dominated my state of “being” today and it has taken me practically all day to realize why. I am afraid.
I have pleaded and begged God to reveal to me the truth of who I am. Now I know , I am afraid to tell.
In my despair in the last couple of days as my world started to disintegrate around me, the need to understand grew ever greater. In fact it was reaching a critical state. I reached a point where I could not be around people anymore, hence my relationship reaching the point that it did. I could not tolerate the sound of the constantly ringing phone, the sound of voices. In short I could not tolerate “anything” that invaded my personal space. I felt overloaded, like one more word entering my brain would make it snap and I feared I would not be able to come back from that.
I had reached my limit.
At the same time I was aware of how it was hurting those I love, yet there was nothing I could do. I instinctively “knew” that if I didn’t withdraw from the world for a while, I would not make it.
It feels like those days passed in a constant state of prayer. Praying for help. Praying for answers. Praying for a way to “live” in this world.
And my answer came………..
But, it was not what I was expecting.
I cannot recall how this came about, but somehow I made my way to a website called mysilentecho.com and before me on the screen, this is what I read,


(Please note: The following extracts were reprinted without the permission or prior knowledge of mysilentecho।com. My intent in using direct quotes was because they were Jad Alexander’s words and ideas, and I did not want to deceive and try and make them my own. My apologies if I have offended anyone by doing so.)

“What is an Empath? An Empath is an intuitive personality type, usually hypersensitive, especially to the emotions and conditions of other people. Empaths are also prone to extrasensory perception and strong intuitive reactions. Welcome to the Book of Storms Series Online”.

Curious I start to explore the site although I know I am resiting the fullness of what I am reading because I know that “empath” is another word for psychic, and that is not how I see myself. Fortunately, the part of me that isn’t resisting overpowers my reluctance, and as I read I discover that the site owner, Jad Alexander is also an empath. Not only is he an empath, but he has a degree in Psychology specializing in mental health counseling. The further I read the more it resonates within me as truth. And then I come across this,

“Many Empaths suffer from anxiety due to an overload of incoming stimuli and intuitive information. Some suffer from depression due to being overwhelmed with all the "storms" going on inside. It is not uncommon for an Empath to tell me that he or she has been diagnosed as "bipolar/manic-depressive." Now, that does not mean that if you were diagnosed as bipolar that you are automatically an Empath - it just means there is a possibility that we are quick to put medical labels on things without fully investigating them.
The interesting questions that arise are: Are Empaths more susceptible to mental illness? OR Is the mental illness/distress the result of being an unbonded Empath? Which comes first? This research still goes on. I have met plenty of well adjusted Empaths - yet will still find that they seek some sort of comfort somewhere, either in mild medication or counseling, something to soothe those internal storms” (click here for the complete article “What is an Empath” by Jad Alexander on mysilentecho.com)

In that moment I knew that resisting further was futile, I had to know more. So I commence the coursework with the intent of understanding “this” and also join the Yahoo Empath group in order to share my experiences with others who are like me.
That evening the “fullness” of it hit so hard my reality seemed surreal, I could not feel the ground beneath my feet. In a flash, I saw my whole lifetime with depression, and saw it wasn’t mine. All the guilt I have carried for hurting people for the way that I am. A whole lifetime spent feeling inadequate and incompetent. (I knew I was not the only one in the world with problems, yet everyone else still seemed capable of living life. They could hold on to jobs, have friendships and relationships, have a social life, have a family. All the things that I couldn’t do, or was afraid to do because of how I was.) I felt different, an outcast. Not for this world.
And in that instant I saw the truth. I was not mentally ill. I was not crazy. I was just being Monica. I just didn’t know how to deal with who I was.
There, I said it!

I had the most curious dream……………

Monday 2nd November, 2009

Today I feel a bit like Alice as I nervously step through the looking glass, leaving behind what was once my reality, and embrace a whole new way of being.
When I commenced this journey eight years ago, I had no idea where it would lead me. All I knew at the time was that I could not stay where I was. I had tried all the conventional methods as well as the not so conventional, and I was still stuck in my despair and no way nearer to the exit. So instinctively I knew that if I wanted to get “better” and be able to function in this world like everyone else around me, I would have to do this myself.
So I armed myself with knowledge. I knew that my mind was running its own automated program because all the methods I tried in order to take back control, failed. Medication only made it easier to live with but did not “fix” the problem. I realized then that my starting point had to be knowledge of how the brain works, how the programs are put in place so to speak. So I commenced a psychology degree and did just that. The first step in “knowing myself”.
With this new understanding of how we process the world, I started to slowly pick my life apart. It took no effort in finding issues that needed addressing as when you make this commitment to heal, they tend to surface on their own. But what to do with all this information that was overwhelming me? Because simply noticing the problems wasn’t fixing them.
It was then that some courageous and inspiring people such as, Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, and Wayne Dyer, entered my life through their teachings.
Through their knowledge and experience I learnt to really look at my life in an honest ego-less way, even to the point of giving my game plan away in situations where I realized that I was “reacting “ and not been authentic. I learnt about “patterns”, I learnt how environment and DNA impact on your ability to process the world, I learnt that all it took to reach some kind of understanding and somewhat heal a situation was to change your mind about it. I was tired of the games. I should re-word that, I was tired of the mask. I just wanted to KNOW who I was beneath all the pain because I knew that the pain was not me.
At that very moment, “A Course in Miracles” enters my life.
Thank you God!!!!!!!!
It entered my life at the exact point when I needed it to. (You can always count on Divine timing. It never lets you down!) I was stuck again. Learning all these things about myself made me not like myself very much. I was aware of the program that was running my life, but was no where nearer to overriding it. Awareness was hurting me. To be aware of what you are doing, to see that it hurts you and others and “feel” powerless to stop it is very disheartening.
It was not an easy book to read. When you have a mind like mine that does not know the meaning of “quiet”, it makes it very hard to maintain your focus and though it took me a long time, I made my way through the text and when I reached the end, I realized I had not retained much of what I had read at all. As I commenced reading the introduction to the workbook, I was not really sure whether there was any point as I felt i would have to start over in order to benefit from the teachings. With this in mind I continued reading and as I commenced paragraph 9, this is what I read,
“Remember only this: you need not believe the ideas, you need not accept them, and you need not even welcome them. Some of them you may actively resist. None of this will matter, or decrease their efficacy……Nothing more than this is required”
So in faith, I proceeded all the while despairing because I was nowhere nearer to being happy and the further into the teachings I got, the harder it became for me to be around people. It seemed that the only way I could love them was from afar. My despair mounted as I realized that the path I was on was leading me in the opposite direction to where the teachings were intended to take me.
The inner turmoil escalated yet the teachings afforded me peace in that no matter what I had to face on any given day, inevitably the teaching for the day equipped me with the capacity to not only confront it, but see the truth in it. I also started to notice changes in my thought patterns that took no effort to implement on my part. My perception started to shift.
But still I had no idea where exactly I belonged in a world populated by humans that I found it difficult to be around. I loved them. Just couldn’t be around them. I felt so ashamed and such a hypocrite .And when those feelings overwhelmed me and brought on episodes of depression, I fought hard not to lose my way। I coped by transmuting the negative energy into a positive one। I turned my negative thoughts into prayer. Instead of holding onto them, dwelling on them and convincing myself that my life was a waste of time, I handed them over and asked to be shown the truth. This is what is referred to as the “Atonement” in A Course in Miracles.

And now I wait…and trust!!!
Trust is a hard concept to grab a firm hold of, particularly in the last couple of weeks as I have watched my life seemingly fall apart. In truth it is only beginning to come together as what seemed to me to be my life falling apart, I recognize as a letting go of that which no longer serves me. It is a painful process but absolutely necessary for how can I possibly find “me”, when I have defined myself by all these things in my life that are not me?
In terms of my relationship I cannot say for certain. On some level I know that “letting go” is not what is needed here. Change is. Whether we can implement those changes whilst remaining true to ourselves will be what decides the outcome. I did not undertake this journey alone and although I become quite self-absorbed as I try to understand myself, I never lose sight of this fact.
And as I read over what I have written, a summary of my healing thus far, it serves a cathartic purpose and I feel a certain release that may at some point develop into tears. I feel the tension building as I write. To see it like this as a whole, I sense a certain closure that I do not fully understand right at this moment.
I see now that it was necessary for me to go through the pain of realizing who I was NOT, in order to uncover the truth of who I AM……………..

A time to cry…

Sunday 1st November, 2009
As the heavens opened up this morning, so did a floodgate of emotion that sprung forth from wherever that place is inside of me that stores every unshed tear I have suppressed. It has abated for now but I know there is so much more to come. And I welcome it, for I know that this is part of healing. It heals my mind, it heals my body and it heals my Spirit. No part of me is unaffected by what is going on.
The anger that served as a barrier to communication has transformed into compassion. I doubt this would have happened if I had not released some of the internal pressure which was manifesting as anger in my life. Those inexplicable tears were the means through which this was achieved. It has taken me 43 years to learn that it is okay, no, necessary to cry.
As the anger that clouded my vision gave way to clear sight, I saw that for weeks now I had been sharing my life with a stranger because the person I was seeing was not the man I am in love with. In actual fact he is still the same, I just wasn’t seeing him. All I saw was the projection that resulted from my unresolved anger. Anger that he actually had nothing to do with. And when I finally did see him today, all I felt was his pain.
This understanding does not bring with it the peace that I was hoping for, in that I see that it has come at the cost of hurting someone I truly adore. Having decided to have a few days apart to just “be” and detox from each other a bit, I do find some comfort in knowing that it has served the same purpose in his life as it has in mine, it has given him the opportunity to heal.

“Now it is given you to heal…and make what will be now”.

A Course in Miracles CH13: X: 8
Saturday 31st October,2009
11:04pm
Unable to sleep as my mind won’t stop so I am writing in the hopes that emptying it a little, will bring some peace.
All day I have gone over and over my current situation. What surprises me at present is my inner strength and resolve. In truth I do not recognize this woman. But as my wise acupuncturist said to me, integration is essential. I must recognize and accept this “other” person as me. I must recognize that her accomplishments are my own.
So hard feeling integrated though, when your reality seems shattered. So much pain that keeps spilling forth as inexplicable tears that stop and start at will. If only words were as forthcoming. They are just so hard to find. Perhaps I should not have referred to them as a “pointless waste of time”.
My pain stems from the fact that I cannot believe that something so sacred and pure, at present causes only pain. And I keep searching for a way out and I have trouble finding one. But still I search.
And now I realize why it is that a solution cannot be found in the present. Because the problem lies in the past!!!!
As I was so clearly shown the other day, my issue stems from my dad, and my partner’s from his mum। They are issues that have surfaced time and time again in our past individual relationships and they have always meant the death of these relationships. They keep repeating themselves in our lives to give us the opportunity to heal. When it surfaces in the present we react to it in the present, assuming that the person, who triggered the reaction, is obviously the cause. So in time we move on to the next relationship, and sure enough at some point we are faced with the same situation again, and on it goes until the day when we stop blaming other people for what is wrong with our life and take responsibility.
That is when healing truly begins
Until that day comes, history is destined to repeat itself.But as I have found, simply knowing this isn’t enough to spare you from the heartache. Awareness, that is the key. Because until this is healed, it will continue to surface. And the difficult thing is that confronting the “source” of the issue is not the solution either. There is no peace to be found there. I know I have tried. This is something that can only be resolved within and healed within.
So now, having come to the realization, I know that I have reached a point in my journey where to stay the same is just not acceptable. It just doesn’t feel comfortable any more. I have glimpsed truth and I can no longer deny it to myself. There is no peace in that. Yes, change is inevitable and it also frightens me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
But I have faith….so there is no place for fear.
Just as light dispels darkness….

Crossroads……..

Saturday,31st October,2009
Oh God, Oh God, I need strength today. Things are not getting easier. It seems the more I come to know about myself the harder my life becomes. In our relationship where it was once our similarities that united us, it seems all that we see now are our differences. Such a heartbreaking thing to have to stand by and watch……….
Communication is still getting us nowhere really. Everything is misperceived. In truth we have reached a point where we are both aware of our own needs as well as of each others, but we have realized that they are in stark opposition to each other. Now at this point we have two choices. Move on or find a middle ground. They are the only two options and it is painful that where once there seemed to be endless possibilities, only two choices remain.

Stillness speaks!!!!

Thursday 29th October,2009
6:31PM
When words don’t take up all the available space, truth is able to reveal itself.
I have not spoken today since my last post, unless absolutely necessary. I know it seems extreme but each time words have been used today, conflict has ensued. In silence there is peace. Or am I deluding myself?
In one such moment today, as I stared at the ceiling without really looking, I saw myself and my partner both dealing with the exact same issues we have been dealing with all morning, but instead of us “venting” our frustrations out on each other, my target was my dad, and his, his mum.
I have read before that we inevitably always end up choosing a mate whose personality and traits are almost identical to the parent that we had the most conflict with. I believe Michael Domeyko Rowland talks about this in his wonderful book, “Absolute Happiness”. As such, every relationship affords us the opportunity to heal that aspect of our life. The problem here is that we are unaware of this mostly, and we project all our anger and rage at the person standing before us.
So as I read over and over this looking for a solution, I see there is only one.
Communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How the universe must be laughing right about now!!!!!

Conflicted.

Thursday 29th of October, 2009
It is such a difficult thing to undertake this journey into self when you have another’s needs to consider. It seems to be such a very thin line that separates attending to one’s needs from being seen as selfish. I feel I am failing dismally at this today and things are not good right now. Even writing about this does not feel good right now.
I have no answers, just a desperate need for peace and silence. Yes silence!! I have been thinking for quite some time that a retreat is necessary. Words at the moment do not seem to facilitate communication let alone understanding. For the first time in my life I have discovered the spoken word to be a pointless waste of time. It is never received in the manner in which it was given. It takes so much effort to help people understand me at the moment. The written word seems to be my only ally at present.
And prayer!!!!!!!!!!

Taking the first step……………

Wednesday, 28th October 2009
Okay। This is not going to be easy but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that the time has come to move through the pain.

The morning started easily enough, on the surface at least, as I have become very aware since starting this journal that I am very, very good at deceiving myself!
When I read over the events of the last few days I see that it doesn’t even begin to touch on what was really going on। The truth of the matter is that I was only willing to look at the effects at the time. I was not yet ready to deal with the cause.

But today, that unwillingness on my part, has threatened to bring my world undone। So face it I must.

I had to walk away from this as I am finding it so hard to begin. Why?????????? I know why. Because what I need to write about involves others and this is no longer my own private journal. I dislike gossip intensely .So why write it then I must ask myself? The truth? Because I must.
I have witnessed some changes that can only be deemed as miraculous in my thinking. I have gone from someone that could not bear the pain of living in this world a second longer to someone who is committed to doing whatever it takes to eliminate the suffering of others. I lived my life in total denial , or perhaps it was just fear, of a wrathful punishing God only to find myself here, grateful for the life I have been given and desperate to know Him as my unshakeable faith draws me closer to him, and in turn myself, with every breath. That is why I need to share this.
I have found hope, faith and I have glimpsed peace and if by some beautiful chance, I am able to help others achieve the same for themselves, then it is worth every bit of discomfort I go through as I face my truth via a public platform। She says nervously……………………

So as I sit here trying to see what really happened that made me lose my way I realize that what happened is that Zarathustra decided to come down off the mountain!
When I made the commitment to heal my life 8 years ago, it was the mystical path of “know thyself” that I chose. To be honest I don’t remember choosing, it was just the only path for me. And as I devoured spiritual text after spiritual text, I gradually withdrew more and more from the “outer” world and became reclusive preferring the company of animals to that of humans. With animals “being” was so easy, with humans I was finding it very hard. Painfully hard. It hurt to see the way people treated both themselves and each other. So for a long time I had no contact with people , except for family, unless I had to leave the house to buy groceries.
I don’t know if it was fear or not that influenced that decision, but I do know that it was a necessary retreat for in that time “A Course in Miracles” came into my life and the healing commenced in earnest। I took my time working through the course, as I was well aware that some areas needed special attention, but within a few months of completing it, the changes started to reveal themselves through changes in my thinking patterns.

Have to try so hard to not go off on a tangent here as I see that my mind is trying to lead me away from what I must do.
When I withdrew I severed ALL connections to my past। I relocated and had no contact with anyone for 7 or 8 years. Then face book came into my life……॥suddenly I had a hectic social life just keeping up with all the wonderful emails I was receiving and so many wounds from the past were able to heal. It was beautiful and I was given so many opportunities to see that how we perceive things, isn’t always how they actually are and I was somehow, through the recollections of these friends, able to regain a sense of self. So very grateful.

As wonderful a time as this was, those wounds that needed to be healed, also needed to be faced and along with the memories of the past came the pain। In the midst of all this pain, I find a very dear friend whom I have not seen for over 23 years and we decide to catch up. I was terrified!! It was one thing staying in touch via the internet, but face to face???? I can’t do this. I have to do this. I want to do this. What if we have nothing in common anymore? And on and on, until catch up we did.

I felt like a little kid the morning we were to meet, all nervous excitement। The minute I saw her face my heart exploded with a love I had not felt for a long time, and all I saw was the 16 year old girl that I loved like a little sister all those years ago.

Within a matter of weeks this friendship became very much part of my life, if not my whole life। My friend’s needs suddenly overtook my own and despite my annoyance at this, I was also aware of the fact that in truth, I have no idea what’s right for me. How could I when I don’t even know who I am? With this in mind, I stepped outside my comfort zone in complete faith that perhaps this was God’s plan after all. Either way, I decided to trust and just surrender to the process. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t complain whilst doing so I might add.

All along I could clearly see that we were two very different people and despite witnessing things that to me were painful to witness, my love for her never waivered। I got mad, but I got over it quickly because I was so happy to have her back in my life. It made me so angry at myself afterwards to not have spoken my truth but in all honesty, I felt what I had to say would only be perceived as a judgment and that is never my intent. But then, neither is hurting myself, yet that is exactly what I did by placing someone else’s needs above my own.

One day I found myself in a situation that to me was unbearable to witness। Reliving the events of that morning on my way home whilst sharing the story with my partner, I start to cry। The cry turned to sobs, and all I could say was, ‘This just hurts so much”। As I kept recalling details the pain just got stronger and my partner witnessing this turns to me and says, “You are not going back there are you?” When I reply that I am, this wise, beautiful being that shares my life turns to me and says, ‘But then you are going against everything you stand for” and at that moment, I was back। Albeit temporarily।
His truth just cut through to the core of me and rocketed me into the present moment where all I could manage to say was “You are right”.

I have not seen her since that day and it has been a painful and difficult decision to make। I feel no anger, only deep sadness। There is no blame, nothing. How could I blame her for being who she is? And I can only be who I am. At this point I realize that there is nothing to forgive. It was I who refused to see the woman before me because I was still holding on to the girl who was my friend. I based a friendship upon an illusion and I believe that the only reason I refused to speak up sooner was because I feared my illusion being shattered.
I also see that far from losing myself as I had first thought, this relationship blessed my life by helping me have a clearer understanding of who I really am.
And for today that is all the truth I can handle…………….

The healing begins………

Wednesday,28th October,2009
My day has been consumed by thoughts about my writings. As I read and re-read today’s posting, something seemed not right.
I have not kept a journal in this format before and it’s a little different to keeping one in book form. With a book, once you turn the page, chances are you won’t look at it again unless you intend to. Not so in this case. And it has tormented me all day.
And then, truth, and set me free it did!
I realized that as clever as I thought I was in seeing the manipulations of my mind, I had not actually done anything about bringing myself out of this state.
Depression is a word I only use to help others understand me a little better,( If it can be labeled and categorized, then it can be dealt with.),it isn’t how I see myself though. It does not define me, but it has helped me get a stronger sense of who I actually am. So it saddened me greatly to read what I had written and “see” that for some time now , I actually forgot who I was.
At the same time I also realized, that all the time I spent today feeling pretty low about the fact that I had not actually “done” anything to help myself except write about it, was time wasted, not to mention energy wasted। Because, were it not for my writing , I would not have been able to “see” with my own eyes what I was actually doing.
Once I was able to see, I could not let it go, try as I might, I could not ignore it. And as I prayed for understanding, it slowly began to unfold. I started to look back over the last couple of months and was able to see exactly how I arrived at this point.
I so desperately need to write about this now but cannot keep my eyes open। I fear that if I go to sleep I will forget what I have learned about myself today .Fortunately, there is no chance of that unless my computer quits on me during the night……………………

Here comes the rain again……….

Tuesday 27th of October,2009

It’s Tuesday and it’s a grey, overcast day.
That about sums up both the day, and my mental state.
So very hard writing today. Thoughts come in, disturb my fleeting moments of peace, then just as I feel ready to sit down and face them, they leave to be replaced by another disturbing thought, memory or feeling.
There is so much brewing beneath the surface that I just can’t face right now. Only because for some reason I do not want to. I know enough to realize that face it I must. The only way to come out the other side of this is by moving towards it and through it. Avoidance and procrastination have led me nowhere except back to where I started, time and time again.
Yet I can’t seem to convince myself of it for today.

The morning sad………..

Monday, 26th of October,2009

Wake up and talk to me, it’s a long time since last night I know we said things, the saddest things,and I'm not sure it was wise.When the morning's sad you don't look back and you sure don't look ahead. The morning sad,
The morning sad,never had it so bad….
Veruca Salt
Song lyrics always have a way of putting into words and expressing exactly what I’m feeling or experiencing at any given moment. Today, Veruca Salt’s “The Morning Sad “, plays in my head like a soundtrack to my present reality.
I stayed up until close to four this morning in an attempt to not have to “wake up” again and start another day miserably. Notice I said “start the day miserably” as opposed to “face another miserable day”, which was the first thought that entered my mind. As easily as it came, I chose to let it go and take responsibility rather than be a victim. Not easy but lately it’s happening more and more. And the recognition of that fact is what I need to hold onto right now to get me through this day and out the other side.
Writing also helps। It has got me through some of the darkest periods in my life. To get the thoughts out of my head requires a certain organization which gives me clarity and at times it affords me the luxury of insight when in reading over what I have written, I suddenly “see” what was not visible to me as an abstract thought. As with all things that help me when I am in a depressed state, I mostly lack the motivation to do it at the times when it would most benefit me. I realize this is something I can change though, as I recognize my inability to write when I most need to clear my head, as just a conditioned response in order to avoid something unpleasant.

The unpleasantness I refer to, is truth. When I face myself in this way and am able to observe the workings of my mind through my writings, I am almost always inevitably faced with the truth about myself. Once that happens, I can no longer ignore that aspect of myself that needs to be let go off. And then the real pain begins……………

A Day with Depression

12th September,2009
Last week a revelation, this week back in hell
A day with depression is so unbearable that words cannot fully convey the feeling of it. You spend your whole time trying to escape it only to realize with sheer desperation that you cannot.
You cannot because where you go, it goes.
It’s within you.
In those moments, it is you.
And thus begins the self-loathing.
You hate yourself for being this way. You hate yourself for putting the people that you know you love, through this hell with you. You hate yourself for feeling so helpless, useless and incapacitated when it comes to making the necessary changes.
It’s impossible to reach out and grab a firm hold of anything when you feel so disconnected from everything and everyone around you. It’s like you are in the scene but not really a part of it, in essence, a ghost.
So many times today I tried to reach out to the “stranger” that has shared my life and resided firmly in my heart for the last seven and a half years, only to feel bound and gagged. No words, no feelings. Just a despair that could only be expressed, no, released through an unsolicited barrage of tears that ceased as abruptly as it began. And the gap widened…..feel even more disconnected if that is at all possible.
The most painful part of this all is that it is not going on unnoticed. I am aware.
So why then can I not stop it?
Why do I put myself through this pain? It must serve some purpose.
At times I get moments of clarity in which a certain understanding takes place, but they are so short lived and so elusive when it comes to holding onto them.
Today I had an understanding that I should embrace this and recognize that the discomfort I feel is a positive. It is only taking place within me because I am not happy with who I am. My life outside of me is perfect. When it comes to me, not so. Perfection though, is not my aim. Authenticity is. Being true to myself is all that matters, to be otherwise is to live a life not worth living. And for me the awareness of this and my commitment to it, manifests in my life as depression. Without depression as a signpost in my life empowering me to make the necessary changes, I would still be a victim, trapped in an unhappy life and feeling powerless to do anything about it.
Ignorance is indeed bliss!! Or is it?

On Depression and Suicidal Thoughts.

30th August, 2009

Today I awoke in anger, and I lay there wondering how I was going to face another day in this miserable state. I knew I couldn’t, but more to the point and perhaps most importantly, I knew I didn’t want to.
In an instant my mind was bombarded with images of myself holding a gun to my head. They were images that would not abate. I was overwhelmed with despair and lay there in bed, numb to everything but what was playing out in my mind. With curtains drawn, I just lay there staring at the bedroom ceiling, a multitude of thoughts running through my mind all reinforcing my pain along with the belief that I didn’t want this life for myself anymore.
I do not know what it was that compelled me to sit up and open the curtains, as I had made up my mind to avoid this day altogether as I had so often done in the past, and sleep through it as if it never happened. But as I sat there on the hilltop, looking out the window at the grey, overcast, miserable day which seemed to only reflect my inner state, I started to cry. No thought, no feeling, just a lot of tears.
I do not know how long I cried for, nor how many times this happened, but I do recall the building intensity with each episode along with the mounting feelings of despair. Despair at the fact that I thought I had come so far and could control my thoughts enough for this not to recur, but here I was at the mercy of the depression once again.
Suddenly, as I searched in my mind desperately for answers, for a way out, I was shown a way. I suddenly understood that these suicidal images were not intended to hurt me, they were intended to help, to show me what needed to be done. Just as in the tarot where the death card represents change, transformation, a letting go, or “dying off” of that which no longer serves you in order to make way for that which does, these suicide images were serving the same purpose, they were telling me it is time for change.
Suicidal thoughts only ever invade your thinking when you have reached a point in life, in a situation, where you are in so much pain and can see no other way out. They do not occur until that point is reached. Our desperate silent pleas for help do not go unanswered, and the answer always comes from within. Suicide, death!
Defeated and numb, trapped within the murky depths of the abyss, thoughts of suicide can only be interpreted literally. For what on earth else could possibly release you from this dark place?
But today, in my unwillingness to accept that death in the literal sense was the only option available to me; I was shown a different way of perceiving the situation, which ultimately led to an understanding. All I needed to do was choose a different way. Changing your choices is not a difficult thing to do when you become aware that the old familiar choices only ever result in more pain, it’s never different. Of course we always hope it will be, otherwise why would we continuously make the same choice over and over?
In realizing this, I also “saw” that depression is not the enemy, it is merely the mind’s attempt to heal itself. Pain is the body’s language. It is how it communicates to us. If it were not for pain we would not be aware that healing is needed. Hence depression, and the pain that it brings, is the mind’s call for help.
That realization in and of itself was a monumental step forward. To see depression as a friend and not a foe has enabled light to dispel darkness and hope to dispel the despair. A liberation of sorts has transpired as I no longer feel like the hapless victim. Rather than being disempowering, depression has taken on a new significance in my life. It is no longer a prison door that keeps me trapped in my pain, it now represents a doorway to change, a way out of the darkness.
And for now, that is enough.

My journey through depression as I begin to discover who I truly am....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I slept in today. It’s become the norm lately. Just so hard to get up and face the day. Had I known then what was lying in wait just beneath the surface, I would have rolled over, closed my eyes and gone back to sleep. Pretend this day never happened…..
Instead I lay there, not thinking at first, just staring at the ceiling and listening to Bluey, my cat trying to devise a way to make me get up and attend to him. Still I lay there. In stillness and thoughtless, but not for long.
Slowly thoughts eased their way into my consciousness, subtle and seemingly harmless. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get up today and not have to “do” anything because it’s all been done for me?” There was no substance to this question it was merely a “what if?” kind of moment, and that should have been the end of it, but unfortunately it wasn’t. Suddenly the fantasy taking place in my head became a reality because I got up walked into the living room and was most annoyed when my fantasy had not manifested into a reality.
I recognized the absurdity of what was taking place within me and proceeded with the chores that still needed doing. What I neglected to notice at the time was the fact that there was in fact not much left for me to do as my partner had awoken before me and set about tidying up so that I wouldn’t have as much to do when I got up.
Aaah, hindsight…..!!!!!!!!!!!!
With every dish I put away, the noise got louder and I could see what was happening. I was able to momentarily separate myself enough from what was going on in order to observe it, but did not do a thing to stop it. As the noise got louder, and my slams got harder, the anger bubbled and brewed beneath the surface and I could feel the pressure building. I wasn’t feeding it with my thoughts because in all truth I had not a clue as to what it was that was making me so angry but it made me feel uncomfortable as I did not know how to stop this.
I do not know at what point it was that I identified with my anger and became one with it, if I knew, chances are I would not be sitting here writing this, as once that point is reached, it is very difficult to pull back in time before feelings are hurt
As I sat here reading what I had just written and thinking about it, I had the realization of exactly when that moment took place. I identified with my anger the moment my innocent and caring partner asked me what was wrong. He had heard the increasing din of plates crashing and knew that my mood was not a peaceful one today and in his naivety and desire for peace, he decided to stand on the edge of the volcano and peer in.
The moment he uttered the words, “What’s wrong?”, the volcano erupted!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to resist at first as I could not say what was wrong, I only knew I felt angry but not why and as I went to tell him not to worry as it had nothing to do with him, my victim story spewed forth with such ferocity and venom and suddenly it was all his fault.
From that point on reason left the building. I will not repeat what came out of my mouth as in all honesty, I cannot accurately recall the words I used. I do know that I accused him of things that I could not substantiate in the slightest, yet still, out they came. And then I stopped. He said a few hurtful things back. And then he stopped.
I just sat there completely rattled. These feelings unsettle me, particularly when I have no idea as to why I am feeling them. In shock and silence I sat there trying to process what had taken place. I desperately tried to understand why I had attacked him and accused him of not doing the very thing he was doing when I got up. Why was I so angry at him? Was I angry at him?
I wondered whether my anger had been innocently projected onto him when in fact it was the dissolution of an old friendship which was affecting me.
No. Nothing there.
Then I remembered something I had read about anger. A few months ago in my attempts to heal and release my suppressed anger, I came across an article by Michaiel Patrick Bovenes in which he makes the point that anger is neither a negative emotion, nor is it a positive one, it’s just an emotion. It only becomes a negative emotion when it is repressed, and a positive one when it is expressed. In other words it’s perfectly natural to feel anger, we just need to understand the nature of it. And that is what I was struggling to do as I sat there recalling what I had read. And then I remembered that in the same article he mentioned that “when you begin to understand the true nature of your anger, you also harness the lost power of your will” as within anger, lies suppressed willpower.
As I processed this and thought about the events that had taken place this morning, it didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that my anger towards my partner was totally unwarranted. As if I needed further convincing of that!
So what now, as my anger still didn’t feel satisfied and I could feel that I still wanted to unload?
And I looked at his face and could not feel angry. At that moment I recalled a conversation with my acupuncturist on this very topic when he was answering my question as to what is the key to resolving these situations. I was face down at the time so I couldn’t see his face but I remember the calmness and the softness of his voice as he lovingly answered, “Compassion”.
As I looked at his face again, with the word echoing in my head, all I felt was pain. I could see the scars that my scathing comments had etched onto his face. His eyes were filled with sadness and I could feel the weight of his heart in my chest. And all I could manage was, “ I am sorry for the things I said”, but I could not look him in the eyes for the pain was unbearable, and I was responsible for that pain. My inability to make eye contact was understandably interpreted by him as insincerity on my part, and thus my apology has had no effect at all.
As I struggle to make sense of all this I wonder why it is that I am so affected by an incident which is not unlike so many others we have had in our eight years together. For some reason this one feels different. I can’t seem to fix it. He won’t talk to me and my attempts to heal the situation are unwanted.
I can’t help but sense that what is different this time is me. It doesn’t feel good anymore to be angry. There is no reward, no pay-off.
Only pain. Only guilt.