The healing begins………

Wednesday,28th October,2009
My day has been consumed by thoughts about my writings. As I read and re-read today’s posting, something seemed not right.
I have not kept a journal in this format before and it’s a little different to keeping one in book form. With a book, once you turn the page, chances are you won’t look at it again unless you intend to. Not so in this case. And it has tormented me all day.
And then, truth, and set me free it did!
I realized that as clever as I thought I was in seeing the manipulations of my mind, I had not actually done anything about bringing myself out of this state.
Depression is a word I only use to help others understand me a little better,( If it can be labeled and categorized, then it can be dealt with.),it isn’t how I see myself though. It does not define me, but it has helped me get a stronger sense of who I actually am. So it saddened me greatly to read what I had written and “see” that for some time now , I actually forgot who I was.
At the same time I also realized, that all the time I spent today feeling pretty low about the fact that I had not actually “done” anything to help myself except write about it, was time wasted, not to mention energy wasted। Because, were it not for my writing , I would not have been able to “see” with my own eyes what I was actually doing.
Once I was able to see, I could not let it go, try as I might, I could not ignore it. And as I prayed for understanding, it slowly began to unfold. I started to look back over the last couple of months and was able to see exactly how I arrived at this point.
I so desperately need to write about this now but cannot keep my eyes open। I fear that if I go to sleep I will forget what I have learned about myself today .Fortunately, there is no chance of that unless my computer quits on me during the night……………………