My journey through depression as I begin to discover who I truly am....

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I slept in today. It’s become the norm lately. Just so hard to get up and face the day. Had I known then what was lying in wait just beneath the surface, I would have rolled over, closed my eyes and gone back to sleep. Pretend this day never happened…..
Instead I lay there, not thinking at first, just staring at the ceiling and listening to Bluey, my cat trying to devise a way to make me get up and attend to him. Still I lay there. In stillness and thoughtless, but not for long.
Slowly thoughts eased their way into my consciousness, subtle and seemingly harmless. “Wouldn’t it be nice to get up today and not have to “do” anything because it’s all been done for me?” There was no substance to this question it was merely a “what if?” kind of moment, and that should have been the end of it, but unfortunately it wasn’t. Suddenly the fantasy taking place in my head became a reality because I got up walked into the living room and was most annoyed when my fantasy had not manifested into a reality.
I recognized the absurdity of what was taking place within me and proceeded with the chores that still needed doing. What I neglected to notice at the time was the fact that there was in fact not much left for me to do as my partner had awoken before me and set about tidying up so that I wouldn’t have as much to do when I got up.
Aaah, hindsight…..!!!!!!!!!!!!
With every dish I put away, the noise got louder and I could see what was happening. I was able to momentarily separate myself enough from what was going on in order to observe it, but did not do a thing to stop it. As the noise got louder, and my slams got harder, the anger bubbled and brewed beneath the surface and I could feel the pressure building. I wasn’t feeding it with my thoughts because in all truth I had not a clue as to what it was that was making me so angry but it made me feel uncomfortable as I did not know how to stop this.
I do not know at what point it was that I identified with my anger and became one with it, if I knew, chances are I would not be sitting here writing this, as once that point is reached, it is very difficult to pull back in time before feelings are hurt
As I sat here reading what I had just written and thinking about it, I had the realization of exactly when that moment took place. I identified with my anger the moment my innocent and caring partner asked me what was wrong. He had heard the increasing din of plates crashing and knew that my mood was not a peaceful one today and in his naivety and desire for peace, he decided to stand on the edge of the volcano and peer in.
The moment he uttered the words, “What’s wrong?”, the volcano erupted!!!!!!!!!!
I tried to resist at first as I could not say what was wrong, I only knew I felt angry but not why and as I went to tell him not to worry as it had nothing to do with him, my victim story spewed forth with such ferocity and venom and suddenly it was all his fault.
From that point on reason left the building. I will not repeat what came out of my mouth as in all honesty, I cannot accurately recall the words I used. I do know that I accused him of things that I could not substantiate in the slightest, yet still, out they came. And then I stopped. He said a few hurtful things back. And then he stopped.
I just sat there completely rattled. These feelings unsettle me, particularly when I have no idea as to why I am feeling them. In shock and silence I sat there trying to process what had taken place. I desperately tried to understand why I had attacked him and accused him of not doing the very thing he was doing when I got up. Why was I so angry at him? Was I angry at him?
I wondered whether my anger had been innocently projected onto him when in fact it was the dissolution of an old friendship which was affecting me.
No. Nothing there.
Then I remembered something I had read about anger. A few months ago in my attempts to heal and release my suppressed anger, I came across an article by Michaiel Patrick Bovenes in which he makes the point that anger is neither a negative emotion, nor is it a positive one, it’s just an emotion. It only becomes a negative emotion when it is repressed, and a positive one when it is expressed. In other words it’s perfectly natural to feel anger, we just need to understand the nature of it. And that is what I was struggling to do as I sat there recalling what I had read. And then I remembered that in the same article he mentioned that “when you begin to understand the true nature of your anger, you also harness the lost power of your will” as within anger, lies suppressed willpower.
As I processed this and thought about the events that had taken place this morning, it didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that my anger towards my partner was totally unwarranted. As if I needed further convincing of that!
So what now, as my anger still didn’t feel satisfied and I could feel that I still wanted to unload?
And I looked at his face and could not feel angry. At that moment I recalled a conversation with my acupuncturist on this very topic when he was answering my question as to what is the key to resolving these situations. I was face down at the time so I couldn’t see his face but I remember the calmness and the softness of his voice as he lovingly answered, “Compassion”.
As I looked at his face again, with the word echoing in my head, all I felt was pain. I could see the scars that my scathing comments had etched onto his face. His eyes were filled with sadness and I could feel the weight of his heart in my chest. And all I could manage was, “ I am sorry for the things I said”, but I could not look him in the eyes for the pain was unbearable, and I was responsible for that pain. My inability to make eye contact was understandably interpreted by him as insincerity on my part, and thus my apology has had no effect at all.
As I struggle to make sense of all this I wonder why it is that I am so affected by an incident which is not unlike so many others we have had in our eight years together. For some reason this one feels different. I can’t seem to fix it. He won’t talk to me and my attempts to heal the situation are unwanted.
I can’t help but sense that what is different this time is me. It doesn’t feel good anymore to be angry. There is no reward, no pay-off.
Only pain. Only guilt.