“Now it is given you to heal…and make what will be now”.

A Course in Miracles CH13: X: 8
Saturday 31st October,2009
11:04pm
Unable to sleep as my mind won’t stop so I am writing in the hopes that emptying it a little, will bring some peace.
All day I have gone over and over my current situation. What surprises me at present is my inner strength and resolve. In truth I do not recognize this woman. But as my wise acupuncturist said to me, integration is essential. I must recognize and accept this “other” person as me. I must recognize that her accomplishments are my own.
So hard feeling integrated though, when your reality seems shattered. So much pain that keeps spilling forth as inexplicable tears that stop and start at will. If only words were as forthcoming. They are just so hard to find. Perhaps I should not have referred to them as a “pointless waste of time”.
My pain stems from the fact that I cannot believe that something so sacred and pure, at present causes only pain. And I keep searching for a way out and I have trouble finding one. But still I search.
And now I realize why it is that a solution cannot be found in the present. Because the problem lies in the past!!!!
As I was so clearly shown the other day, my issue stems from my dad, and my partner’s from his mum। They are issues that have surfaced time and time again in our past individual relationships and they have always meant the death of these relationships. They keep repeating themselves in our lives to give us the opportunity to heal. When it surfaces in the present we react to it in the present, assuming that the person, who triggered the reaction, is obviously the cause. So in time we move on to the next relationship, and sure enough at some point we are faced with the same situation again, and on it goes until the day when we stop blaming other people for what is wrong with our life and take responsibility.
That is when healing truly begins
Until that day comes, history is destined to repeat itself.But as I have found, simply knowing this isn’t enough to spare you from the heartache. Awareness, that is the key. Because until this is healed, it will continue to surface. And the difficult thing is that confronting the “source” of the issue is not the solution either. There is no peace to be found there. I know I have tried. This is something that can only be resolved within and healed within.
So now, having come to the realization, I know that I have reached a point in my journey where to stay the same is just not acceptable. It just doesn’t feel comfortable any more. I have glimpsed truth and I can no longer deny it to myself. There is no peace in that. Yes, change is inevitable and it also frightens me for I have no idea what lies ahead.
But I have faith….so there is no place for fear.
Just as light dispels darkness….