Wednesday 11th November, 2009
For some time now I have been aware that my internal guidance communicates to me through song lyrics. It would drive me near insane to hear certain lines from songs repeating over and over and over again in my head. Originally I had thought that at some point during the day I had heard the song and as a result, “I” kept singing it in my head. But I soon became aware that this was not the case as some songs that I heard the words to, although familiar, the lyrics were not really known to me. And as I “noticed” the words that I kept hearing, I became aware that that they always related to something taking place in my life. And upon reading somewhere that some people did in fact experience this also, I really started to listen.
This morning I awoke in sadness, completely unaware of the song playing in the background. I was aware of a certain “noise” but my sadness had my full attention.
Three days ago I was certain that my life had changed forever. I do not know how it happened but for the first time in my life I felt my life was “normal”. It was so easy being me. I felt light and unburdened, and so very much love. When I awoke the next day I was so happy. I had not had that feeling since being a child of waking up excited about the day ahead. Within a matter of hours I watched it all come tumbling down.
How it happened I do not know. Why did it happen? Because it had to, I see now.
That morning as I engaged in a “normal” conversation with my partner, something within me shifted and I watched helplessly as the joy I had felt so intensely just slipped away from me. All rationality left me and I could do nothing to speak up, speak my truth and stop what was taking place. It was like I was trapped inside my head, a prisoner, whilst someone else took over and destroyed my happiness. I was completely aware and it was very painful to witness.
Within hours I became psychotic and suicidal thoughts and the desperate urge to do self harm overwhelmed me. Nothing, could bring me back. In despair my parents were called and hospitalization seemed the only solution. I kept screaming for salvation but all I got was my own pain back everytime. I could see no way out.
Finally it was my dad who got through and pulled me from the depths of the abyss, when in his awareness of my sensitivities, my empathic nature, he sat me down and said “My daughter, this isn’t you.”
In an instant I was back. But it still hasn’t left me.
I cannot even begin to communicate what I have been feeling. That part of my life has seemed like another world away. It has nothing to do with my present reality. I believed that part of me was gone forever, healed. And I have spent the last three days trying to comprehend what took place and why.
I keep hoping that I will one day just wake up “happy” again, but upon awakening this morning to sadness again, that idea just seemed ever more elusive. And I don’t know whence it came but suddenly I understood why the events of three days ago took place. To help me attain a better sense of whom I am not, in order to know who I am.
On that day as I watched myself “lose it”, I was fully aware that what I was putting out there, was not what I was really feeling in my heart. In fact it had nothing to do with what was going on in me. But it was like “I” had no voice and as my thoughts took me deeper into despair,” I” had no control. I could not override them. To be completely honest it scared me. It still does when I think back on it. But this morning I suddenly understood. I understood that in order for me to heal, I needed to see the truth and that truth is that the “psychosis” or “mental illness” is not me. I know that because I was completely detached from it as it was happening.
And as I absorbed that realization I heard the following words ;
“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday,
When you change with every new day,
Still I’m going to miss you.”
As I focused on those words I started to cry and a deep sadness overwhelmed me. I am still feeling it as I read the last line, “Still I’m going to miss you.”
I just couldn’t get it at first. What is the significance here? So I lay there trying to understand when the fullness of what had taken place this morning hit me. In my recognizing that the “sickness” wasn’t me, I had let it go. A part that I thought was me had suddenly died. My sadness was grief and I realized that for the purpose of today’s lesson, I was Ruby Tuesday.
Don't question why she needs to be so free
For some time now I have been aware that my internal guidance communicates to me through song lyrics. It would drive me near insane to hear certain lines from songs repeating over and over and over again in my head. Originally I had thought that at some point during the day I had heard the song and as a result, “I” kept singing it in my head. But I soon became aware that this was not the case as some songs that I heard the words to, although familiar, the lyrics were not really known to me. And as I “noticed” the words that I kept hearing, I became aware that that they always related to something taking place in my life. And upon reading somewhere that some people did in fact experience this also, I really started to listen.
This morning I awoke in sadness, completely unaware of the song playing in the background. I was aware of a certain “noise” but my sadness had my full attention.
Three days ago I was certain that my life had changed forever. I do not know how it happened but for the first time in my life I felt my life was “normal”. It was so easy being me. I felt light and unburdened, and so very much love. When I awoke the next day I was so happy. I had not had that feeling since being a child of waking up excited about the day ahead. Within a matter of hours I watched it all come tumbling down.
How it happened I do not know. Why did it happen? Because it had to, I see now.
That morning as I engaged in a “normal” conversation with my partner, something within me shifted and I watched helplessly as the joy I had felt so intensely just slipped away from me. All rationality left me and I could do nothing to speak up, speak my truth and stop what was taking place. It was like I was trapped inside my head, a prisoner, whilst someone else took over and destroyed my happiness. I was completely aware and it was very painful to witness.
Within hours I became psychotic and suicidal thoughts and the desperate urge to do self harm overwhelmed me. Nothing, could bring me back. In despair my parents were called and hospitalization seemed the only solution. I kept screaming for salvation but all I got was my own pain back everytime. I could see no way out.
Finally it was my dad who got through and pulled me from the depths of the abyss, when in his awareness of my sensitivities, my empathic nature, he sat me down and said “My daughter, this isn’t you.”
In an instant I was back. But it still hasn’t left me.
I cannot even begin to communicate what I have been feeling. That part of my life has seemed like another world away. It has nothing to do with my present reality. I believed that part of me was gone forever, healed. And I have spent the last three days trying to comprehend what took place and why.
I keep hoping that I will one day just wake up “happy” again, but upon awakening this morning to sadness again, that idea just seemed ever more elusive. And I don’t know whence it came but suddenly I understood why the events of three days ago took place. To help me attain a better sense of whom I am not, in order to know who I am.
On that day as I watched myself “lose it”, I was fully aware that what I was putting out there, was not what I was really feeling in my heart. In fact it had nothing to do with what was going on in me. But it was like “I” had no voice and as my thoughts took me deeper into despair,” I” had no control. I could not override them. To be completely honest it scared me. It still does when I think back on it. But this morning I suddenly understood. I understood that in order for me to heal, I needed to see the truth and that truth is that the “psychosis” or “mental illness” is not me. I know that because I was completely detached from it as it was happening.
And as I absorbed that realization I heard the following words ;
“Goodbye Ruby Tuesday,
When you change with every new day,
Still I’m going to miss you.”
As I focused on those words I started to cry and a deep sadness overwhelmed me. I am still feeling it as I read the last line, “Still I’m going to miss you.”
I just couldn’t get it at first. What is the significance here? So I lay there trying to understand when the fullness of what had taken place this morning hit me. In my recognizing that the “sickness” wasn’t me, I had let it go. A part that I thought was me had suddenly died. My sadness was grief and I realized that for the purpose of today’s lesson, I was Ruby Tuesday.
Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained And nothing's lost
At such a cost
There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind.
Ain't life unkind?
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday……
Goodbye…………….
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